Oh christian day of presents... how I loathe thee

And I'll tell you why Christmas is not one of my better holidays.
I haven't figured out a way to avoid going to my mother's for Christmas and every other mandatory holiday. I don't enjoy being here for many reasons. My most grating is that she and the majority of her friends still refer to me in female pronouns. Annoying. Another good reason to hate Christmas is the Dollar Store. Instead of saving her money to get something good or, better yet, saving her money so she's not always taking from her retirement fund (considering she has no life insurance) Christmas is a holiday in which my mother buys everything for everyone at the dollar store. People she barely knows to her near and dear have a merry dollar store xmas. Now most of the things shes buys are thoughtful gifts. But I really didn't need a penguin hand warmer, or a pack of pirate stationary. (By stationary I mean a small package containing maybe 3 stickers, a pencil, and pirate erasers.)
I know, wah wah wah poor baby some people don't get anything for Christmas. Yes, and I wish I was one of them. Christmas at my mother's house is the most depressing time of the year for me. I'm constantly anxious and lonely which leads to massive amounts of drinking and drunk conversations I don't remember or wish I didn't.
Tuesday night we got a surprise phone call. Apparently during the power outage/ice storm my mother was feeling mushy and sent a xmas card to her ex mother-in-law (read: my estranged grandmother.) So my mother picks up the phone and starts talking to her. I was shaking my head back and forth so fast I'm surprised i didn't cramp. Not wanting to be around for the convo, I took one of the longest showers of my life. And my mother didn't even tell the woman that I'm not a grand'daughter' anymore. Then again, her own daughter i living with a woman and she thinks they are literally just sharing a house. So maybe grandma's not ready ;P
This Christmas Eve my mother invited everyone she ran into during the holiday season to our house. She ran around all day cooking and cleaning and running herself ragged. Who shows up? Her friend Karen and her 13 yr old son, Zeth, because we get together EVERY xmas eve. And then David, her crazy alcoholic boy toy. More on him later. So basically Zeth and I watched the oddest xmas movie ever (The Flight Before Xmas) while our mother's were in the basement smoking pot. I was trying desperately to get drunk off of 30 proof eggnog but eventually gave up.
Christmas Day isn't much better. My mother still makes the same fuss about xmas as she did when I was little. She prides herself on the amount of presents under the tree for me. Do tissues really need to be wrapped? She even wraps up presents for her cats, which sadly are too old to play with the toys she buys them. I brought my cat home for the holidays and he has provided some entertainment. Especially when, on xmas eve, he jumped on the dining room table which was already set for xmas dinner. Luckily he didn't do too much damage.
My grandfather is the only member of the family we talk to since my grandmother died 3 years ago. I had a good time with him, probably because I made up in my mind to go one for one with him on beer. My grandfather can hold his liquor better than a 4th year frat boy. I shortly moved on to champagne...and the bottle was soon gone. I watched the celtics/lakers game. One of my mother's friend's daughter, Michelle, came over later and started drinking with me. I was very vocal by the end of the game. Now, after running around for two days to entertain the masses, you'll notice in this story that NOBODY.SHOWED.UP. My mother doesn't realize that everyone usually has obligations on xmas. It's the only reason I was there. Obligation. So on xmas my mother fell asleep on the couch at 7:30. Michelle and I continue to drink and talk, we move on to cheap vodka, it's now like 11 o clock... and my mother wakes up. She heard us talking about the fact that both our parents have substance abuse problems and surround themselves with losers, but luckily she was groggy and didn't catch most of it. Around 1 she drove Michelle home...and around here the night gets foggy. i know I talked to Angela online but I don't know about what, and I called one friend 13 times when she didn't pick up. ( Because she already passed out from her own night of drinking.) And I sent some pretty embarrassing texts. The day after xmas I was hungover until about 3 in the afternoon, and my mother didn't even notice.

I'm packing up all my stuff tonight so we can leave for home in the morning. I actually have no reason for getting there so early, I just don't want to feel this way anymore. Someday I'll figure out a better way of coping with the holiday mess ;P

Last night she went out to the neighborhood bar and her boy toy David met her there. He only uses her for sex, pot, and food. She's fught with him like 9 times and always says "This is it." Last night I guess he said he just wanted to be friends but still get everything she gives him. She left the club at 1 and thought he was right behind her. She then said, I'll give him an hour. He shows up at the house at 4am. So I'm in my bedroom wondering if I should get dressed and/or call the cops as they yell at each other through the window. He said he wanted his "beer" which was in the fridge. The guy dordn't drink beer. He drinks smirnoff ice. She said later if she had brought it to him she either would have cut his face with it or thrown it through the window of his mother's car.

Yes, i also don't get a whole lot of sleep when I'm here.

And that, boys and girls, is the reason I don't live with my mother. I'd kill myself, or develop a nice drinking problem in the process.

As told from my paper

Another one of my famous meandering posts.

11/19/08
So here it is, the coldest night of the year and I'm wandering around Boston with a full bladder and a vague idea of where I am and absolutely no idea where I'm going.
Saved by the golden arches and their for customers only bathroom. I also thank them for their pen which still has the metal ball chain on it. Not very secure. They should get a refund from staples.
The only thing saving me from being labeled homeless is the library copy of The Fellowship of the Ring shoved in my back pocket.
Am I really the only one noticing two kids making out in the middle of McDonalds? Right in the middle of their friends. And the guys pants are so low that half his underwear is hanging out. Yes, you can see crack. Really now, what's the point in wearing a belt in the first place? I'd also be afraid that if I was heavily making out with someone and my underwear is hanging out - well, it's only a matter of time before something else is hanging low. Maybe that's why her binder is laying across both their laps.
I think about these things. The things that take up time in your head when you're walking down the street and things you've forgotten by the time you reach your destination. Inconsequential things that don't matter and have no effect on my life. Yet I think about them and let them take my time away.
Seriously, if I wanted my jeans around my knees I'd wear shorts.
It's 25 degrees out with a God knows what wind chill and I'm thinking about ice cream. About how good ice cream will taste until I walk outside and the cold air slaps me silly. And then I'll regret my decision of ice cream. But only for a moment because I can still taste the vanilla and chocolate. And then I really will when I burp. And I'll laugh to myself because despite the frigid wind, ice cream was the way to go.
The silver chain swings from the end of my stolen pen.
It must have looked pleasant when I yanked the book out from my back pocket. I think I may have grunted. My inner thighs are hurting from my jeans rubbing against cold skin. I saw a guy jogging in a muscle tee and shorts and I promptly exclaimed, "GOD!" to nobody.
I think being cold is something that comes with age. I remember being warm enough in jeans and a hooded sweatshirt during a snowstorm. And I see teenagers now who seem to share that sentiment. I would scoff at the idea of wearing a hat, gloves, and never ever a scarf. Now I'm dressed in four layers plus a jacket, my UPS baseball cap, and a winter hat that ties under the chin. And unlike every other day, it's tied and I'm huddled into myself much like a pissed off turtle. And who passes me but a Boston college student in a light jacket that isn't even zipped up all the way, moseying down the street like it's the middle of April. Put on a damn hat, moron!
It's nice and warm in the hotel lobby. The best thing about this stolen pen is it's built in amusement. When I pause in my writing I stare off into space and make the chain twirl around and hit the pen. I'm wondering what brings all these people to this Boston hotel on a Wednesday night. Well, except for the staff. I think I know why they are here. Swing swing swing thwap thwap thwap.


Oh, and PS - I never got the ice cream.

And this makes post #50

I always seem to crawl back to my blog a month after the latest installment. I wonder why this is? I must say I do think about blogging every week or so. I mean, let's face it, I could write for days! But I never do. C'est le vie, I suppose.

I finally had my rituxin infusion on Halloween. There is nothing quite like being pumped up with 50 mg of IV benedryl while watching The View. Star Jones dressed up as a giant penny really flipped my shit. I dosed in and out for the first two hours. Other than that the day was uneventful. I stayed up late the night before carving my pumpkin: Sarah Palin with fangs. She was a hit.

I've been reading a lot. I'm trying to get back into the swing of writing. The first day I tried I got out over 600 words. I haven't touched the piece since. I decided that I want to at least attempt to become a struggling writer. It sure beats just struggling.

A few months ago I began filling my free time with entering many contests online through slickdeals.net. I've won many free music downloads and a bag of chocolate, but other than that I've been unsuccessful. With my free internet gone at home, I haven't really spent much time entering contests. Until I won one.

Yes, that's right. This kid is the proud owner of a Zoo York Jenna Jameson limited edition skatedeck. What's even cooler is that there were only 500 of them made. And they are selling like hotcakes on ebay. So by next Wednesday I will no longer be the proud owner of Jenna, however I will be the proud owner of some much needed moola.

I'm growing out my facial hair. No, not so I can freely wander in the zoo with the monkeys. I've come to the conclusion that my mother still refers to be as purely female when I'm not around. Well, to new people. Old people in her life typically know me and they become the ones to correct her. So I decided that I would make it impossible for her to look at me and see a female. I'm almost positive it won't work. But it doesn't look bad, so I guess I'll see what happens.

Not how I planned on spending my day

Today I woke up at the ass crack of dawn to catch the 6:18am train to boston. I arrived at the Grismith building at Beth Israel around 8. I was slated to be there at 8:15. The nurse took me in, laid me down on the bed and proceeded to explain the procedure of said infusion. I was already a little bumped because the sign directly in front of me said no cell phones and the thought of 6 hours laying in a hospital bed wasn't appealing. However, she mentioned because of the infusion they would be giving me tylenol and benedryl to start off with. So I perked up. She then started warming my arms for prepartion of the IV. Then she asked how I was feeling. So I told her I've been battling a bad cold. RED FLAG. A doctor then comes over and asks for my symptons. Upon finding out that I have a productive cough, they call my doctor. He decided to defer the procedure until next week. So after all that I head home. The receptionist was like, "I would have been so mad if I were you.) Yes, it sucks. But the reason they sent me home was because if I had gotten the infusion with a cold I could have ended up with pnemonia. So when I get home I have to call the receptionist because she couldn't find an opening to put me in. I was back in Lowell by 11 ;P

I ordered my new cell phone and should get it by monday. I'm pretty excited. I did some research so I wouldn't end up with a piece of shit phone like I did before. It was between a Nokia and a Motorolla, and while my loyalties lie with the Motorola, the Nokia had better features....and was the Dark Knight Edition. That's right. This kid got a BAT PHONE!!

I'm hoping my cold goes away so I can rock out the halloween party.

October

It's a sad day when a person realizes their free internet connection has disapeared. I am still holding out hope and will continue to check for the signal. Until then I will learn to love the library more than just once a week. Speaking of the library, shortly I will approach the check out counter and ask them why a book I returned 2 weeks ago is showing up as overdue. I think the problem is on their end, not on mine. (Even though I'm positive I returned it I'm also paranoid and double checked the house just in case.)

I finally got some good news. I applied last month for food stamps because let's face it, disability isn't going to happen anytime soon and I'm running low on cash. Luckily the case worked contacted me before he went on a two week vacation so I could get my supporting documents to him so he could rush the process. Saturday I got my notice in the mail that I will be receiving a good chunk of food money monthly. It's more than I expected for one person, but it really boils down to about $5 a day. My favorite transaction so far is two frozen pizzas, soup, and a sweet potato. I love sweet potatoes. It's a new found thing. I slice them thin and make fries in the oven. Very very tasty.

Thursday I have to be at Beth Israel at 8:15am for my medication infusion. They told me to plan on being there most of the day. Excellent. The upside to this is Thursday is also the day I can order a new phone from verizon for free. Thank you new every two. As some of you may know, my current phone is a piece of crap. I can talk on the phone for maybe 5 minutes before the battery dies so if I don't have the charger with me I'm screwed. And I'm always nervous when a doctor calls that my phone is going to hang up on them. I plan on taking this infusion time to research the free phones and find the best one.

Between the prednisone and razor burn my face has become highly sensitive and blemished. I stopped shaving so hopefully it will heal itself. I'm hoping to de-Wolverine on Friday.

I have a chest/head cold that is producing disgusting stuff. I haven't been getting very much sleep because the first night my throat was on fire and the second night I kept waking up to cough. Mucinex is doing a pretty good job but not 100%.

I'll probably post more on Thursday.

Confessions of a sick lupus boy

Now where was I? Oh yes. My ever increasing health problems. I didn't end up in the hospital, thank god. I went to see my primary doctor a week after the initial inquiry. He ran an EKG, took blood and urine (always a fun time) and called the rheumotologist, who promptly booked me for the next day. Yes, that's right. A specialist wanted to see me immediately. We all know that's never a good sign. The good news is that it wasn't an infection or pericarditis. The bad news is that the active lupus is back and my kidney function is failing. Again. The explanation for this is that my body was recovering from ending the cyclophosphimide monthly infusions and maybe I wasn't receiving enough Cellcept. Great. He moved my prednisone from 5mg to 30mg and doubled the Cellcept. I'm also waiting to hear back from them to schedule an infusion of another type of medication. All the while my joints are visibly swelling, I can't sleep, and I'm an irritable crank pot. I'm mad because once again I'm stuck doing nothing because I physically can't do much. I get tired, I get cranky, and nobody wants to be around that mess.

I sent in my SSI appeal. This time I did my homework. I went onto their website and looked at what they classify as "disabled" under the autoimmune disease section. What I have 100% fits the description. I also took out books on lupus from the library. I was excited to fin ally realize that all the symptoms I thought were either just me or in my head were actual lupus symptoms. (At one point I thought the random numb sensation in my hands and fingers, muscle atrophy in my arms, and frequent dizzy spells/difficulty seeing were symptoms of a brain tumor.) As much as it sucks to realize you do indeed suffer from a chronic illness, it makes me feel better to know I'm not nuts and don't have a tumor ;P I tried to make my appeal sound as to the book as I could.

I try to go to the library as much as possible, although reading is a pain because hardcover books hurt my joints. (I know, I sound like I'm about 80.) I've also taken to browsing their CD collection. Don't laugh, sometimes they have recent stuff! I found a bunch of Boston Pops CDs that I'm currently uploading. When I was in high school I was convinced I was going to be in the Boston Pops. My brass group played at the state house once when Keith Lockhart was there and I was truly beside myself. I didn't dare speak. I'm hoping that this much will do what it always does and make me feel better. I will always be a band geek at heart.

My sleeping is getting worse. Not only can I never fall asleep, I've become even more irritable. I can be close to falling asleep and then the smallest sound will jolt me awake. I usually end up throwing in the towel and reading until I lull myself into sleepytime. A few weeks ago I didn't sleep at all and went to the library without eating anything. I nearly passed out and almost fell, but a nice man caught me. Luckily I was able to get back in one piece. I learned my lesson and never go out if I'm not fit to.

Another reason I can't sleep is my constant back pain. I think it might be the swelling in my kidneys. I tried Tylenol PM but that doesn't really do much of anything. I'm afraid to take too much over the counter stuff with all the prescriptions I'm on. My doctor prescribed lorazepam for the insomnia but that doesn't work at all. It just makes me more tired in the morning and slightly anxious.

I am up to my ears in student loans. Without a job, I am unable to pay them. I finally got all my ducks in a row and have all the paperwork to send out. I'm hoping that this experience will teach me not to wait until the last minute and that sometimes following up with a phone call can make all the difference.

The Biggest Loser season 6 premieres tonight. I'm hoping it gives me a kick in the pants to start eating correctly again. I was doing well for quite sometime. It seems that whenever I get sick I let myself eat whatever I want, the ultimate in comfort food. Then it's more difficult to get back on track, esp. when I don't feel good.

Speaking of which, I'm going to eat a brownie. Right now. I never said old habits were hard to break, did I? ;)

Sick of Being Sick

I was very proud of myself. I spent an entire day in the library and pounded out a resume. I even bookmarked a bunch of jobs I was interested in applying to. All I needed was a cover page and I figured I'd be applying to jobs by the end of the week. And then the chest pain started.

I called my doctor on Wednesday and he immediately double booked me for the next day. At my appointment he told me I made the right move in calling him. After listening to my chest and hearing nothing exciting, he checked my oxygen saturation. It was at 92% which I guess isn't awful but isn't good either. He sent me for x-rays at Beth Israel, so once again I waited outside for a cab that the doctor's office pays for and then rode to the hospital. I was the only one in the waiting room bc it was after 5. I was really out again in 10 minutes. I love Beth Israel for a number of reasons. One being I can get my chest x-ray taken in an undershirt and a binder. No awkwardness in being told to take my shirt off. I appreciate that. I barely made the 6:25 train back to Lowell. I missed my phone ringing but got a voicemail from the doctor. He said the wet read of the x-ray looked fine but he would check out the actual x-ray in the morning. The next morning I got a call from my rheumotologist who told me my doctor was going to put me on antibiotics just in case and watch it. So I had to stop the Cellcept while taking the antibiotics because it's an immunosuppressant. My doctor called ten minutes later to tell me the same thing. Good news, right?

Negative. This is the same thing that happened last time. The clinic took x-rays and nothing came up so they treated me for pneumonia. Twice. And then I ended up in the hospital. I think I'll give it a few days just to prove the antibiotics didn't work. Or who knows, I could feel better soon. I'm trying to stay optimistic, but I really don't see this ending without another stay in good ole Beth Israel. Hopefully it won't be as long this time because they'll have a better idea of how to treat it.

So for now I'm being bored in the house watching the 3 channels I get and surfing the net when the stolen wireless works. I'm also having trouble sleeping. Greatness ;P