After my therapist appointment yesterday I had 4 and a half hours to kill before my appointment with Kevin for the T, so I bought a notebook and chilled in the Pru food court. Below is the contents of said notebook:
10:32 am 7/27/07
I had a long rant about slow walkers getting off the train, but the moment has passed and it sounds boring. That was a good story.
I just got off the phone with a woman from the commonwealth cares program from MassHealth. I called to pick a plan, one recommended to me (well, two were recommended out of 4 plans by someone who works at fenway and I blindly chose 1) and got ma'am ed. Obviously it bothered me if I'm writing it down. (Sidetracked: I'm in the Pru food court and HOLY SHIT does the Chinese food smell amazing.) It sucks that my gender is listed as female. Changing a name only tips off so many people. I wonder if it will change when my voice drops? Speaking of medical coverage (I mean, who isn't? It's really a crowd pleaser alongside chips and dip) I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday because my ankle was swollen. I was a little shocked (okay, a lot) that every question on a normal "new person" sign-in sheet was there - except one. Nowhere on the paper were two letters, one of which I was supposed to circle.
Am I so used to living in a binary society of male and female that when faced with NOT identifying myself as either/or I'm unnerved? Logically I would think I would be overjoyed by this prospect, yet the 1984/Brave New World mentality of belonging to a predestined caste (m or f) leaves me feeling alone and exposed when I deviate from the norm.
And if the medical problem was not my ankle but was a notoriously female part of my anatomy, or a problem in which said anatomy may be exposed, would I even have gone in the first place?
How many FTMs have faced, and will continue to face death at the hands of breast cancer, ovarian cancer and other diseases because they are too uncomfortable with living between the m and f to seek treatment?
I try not to talk about the slight almost non-existent growth of my facial/body hair because it's boring. I remember reading in Just Add Hormones a section where he states friends get bored when you talk incessantly about each new hair. Most people will never experience the complete change of their body from one check able box to the other. Imagine the body you have had for life suddenly takes off and does things it has never done. Even though my body isn't the one of my dreams and fantasies, it's the one I have and I make do with it. Sure, it needs some work, but I've always had control over it. Now I wait with baited breath for something new to happen when I least expect it. Yeah, it's exciting. But it's also more stressful than I have ever expressed. My body is physically changing and I have no idea what that is going to look like. Eventually my voice will begin to crack and people will really believe I'm 12. (I really want orange chicken) I have set out on a journey where I am not only responsible for taking care of myself, I feel like I am also responsible for readying those around me and taking care of their needs during this process. It's extremely draining.
The orange chicken is phenomenal.
When did fast food medium drinks get ginormous? Do we as Americans REALLY need an extra however many ounces of coke? Most mediums don't fit in cup holders anymore! And a large? Forget it. If I wanted a bucket of soda I'd bring my own beach pail. And it's not even like you're getting more bang for your buck. Prices for fountain soda is ridiculous, considering it costs like 3 cents to produce. Alas, they are still cheaper than bottles.
I was reading S. Bear Bergman's book Butch is a noun in the Boston Public Library this afternoon and I had to pee yet was so engrossed I couldn't put the damn book down. And then I came across a chapter titled Tranny Bladder in which the author talks about how people who are trans, queer, between genders, etc. develop the ability to never have to pee in public places by becoming very good at holding it and/or not drinking any fluids. A few minutes later as I was running down two flights of stairs towards the men's room, I silently chanted in my mind, "I do not have tranny bladder! I DO NOT HAVE TRANNY BLADDER!!!!"
I highly recommend this book even though I only read the first 80 pages (I had to get to the T, G!) I gave the chapter on gender neutral pronouns a shot despite my personal animosity towards them. I'm glad I did. Hir chapter outlines when it is appropriate to use such pronouns (genderqueer, etc.) but ze also brought up a good point that they can be used as a safe alternate if one is unsure of the gender of a person. However, if I met an androgynous person, I wouldn't be like "Hello!" and then ask a friend, "Do you think ze is thirsty? We should get some lemonade for hir!" My problem isn't that I think these pronouns are stupid; they have their place. My problem, which I learned today, is that they don't apply to me. I'm a transman, yes, but I'm not gender neutral. I identify as a male, even if my physical being doesn't have those characteristics.
This bit of self-realization also explains why I used to think genderqueer was stupid - especially a few years ago when I was at the height of discovering who I was. "Genderqueer" was a label I rejected even though I admired the GQ bois for being out, proud, and themselves.
