Saturday, June 23, 2007

6/22/07 It Begins

Yesterday I had my first doctors appointment in regards to starting hormone therapy. Of course I was nervous and ended up in Boston two hours early. Wandering Newbury Street, I took up a texting conversation with my good friend Elisa and browsed the classical section in Newbury Comics. I went to Fenway around 3:05pm, and as my appointment was not until 3:40, I figured half an hour wasn't too early. It wasn't.
My palms were sweaty as I checked in and my heart was beginning to race. And that was before I received the news that they had sent me to the wrong place. Come to find out, the doctor does his medical appointment in the South End. Slightly panicking, I ask the receptionist how to get to this mysterious doctors office. She looks at me strangely for a moment before saying, "No. We will give you a voucher for a cab and the cab will take you right there." Blankly nodding, I wait for the voucher, thank them, and head out into the cab. I try to ignore the fact that I have never, in all my wise 24 years, been in a cab alone. I hand the voucher to the driver and away we go... until he asks where I'm go and I realize that they never gave me an address. He pulls over, we consult my sheet and, finding nothing, he drives around the block and BACK to Fenway so I can run in and get a street name.
Finally back in the cab I hand him the paper with the address on it, it registers, and away we go! He drops me off at the South End Associates building and I thank him and get out. In the lobby, I falter and tell the information guy where I'm going because I was so nervous. Normally I would have just consulted the directory and gone up. Up on the third floor and down a long, empty corridor later, I find the office. The receptionist apologizes that I was sent to the wrong place and tells me to take a seat. In the waiting area, I shift around in the leather chair, absently flipping through the New Yorker but not reading a word. Once I realize this, I put the magazine down.
Once with the doctor my nerves begin to melt away. He is very down to earth and obviously knows exactly what he's doing. He explains that this first meeting will be to take some blood, get a general medical background and the next time....the first testosterone shot!
Not expecting that it would be that soon, yet with every fiber of my being wishing that it was that day already, I could feel my insides smiling, as weird as that sounds.
We made an appointment for the following friday and I went to get my blood drawn. After getting nothing from my right arm and finally getting the blood to flow in the left, I was on my way once more. I got directions to the T station from the receptionist (remember, I took the cab and had no idea where I was.)
I took the side stairs like she said through the old building and went out a door that looked oddly familiar. You know that feeling, the one where you swear you've been somewhere before but it's not very logical? Turning right towards the T station, I actually laughed out loud because in front of me, sharing the same building as South End Associates, was none other than Club Cafe! my feeling of having been here before made sense, and I scampered to catch the Orange line. As a was walking I almost cried, knowing that one week from that exact moment I would have gotten my first testosterone shot.
I began the coming out process a little more than a year ago going by Sean and being male as an Orientation Leader. The next big step came in January when I went to the courthouse in Worcester to change my name. This happened around the same time I got a job working at UPS as Sean and being male. The name change went through in February and I've been changing all the paperwork sense then. My state ID has my new legal name, as well as my bank, debit card, one of my federal loans, health insurance, and of course my UPS ID.
I've gone through a lot with my family. My mother has come around, after leaving threatening messages on my cell phone in July when I left her a note saying I was trans, to talking openly about me being a he and going on the hormones. I'm still not convinced she knows exactly that once on the hormones I will look, act, speak, and be male. But she has come this far and I know that she understands as much as she can. My grandfather and his girlfriend are both really supportive. His girlfriend, Pat, gave me a Sean mug for my birthday.
I'm hoping the hormones will help me gain some confidence and allow me to be the man I am.