Back in the day

Getting a second job was the best thing my mother ever did for me. Today she's at work 12-5 then we're heading over to my grandfather's for his open house party thing. I found something I wrote spring break of 2003 when a bunch of us attended the True Colors Conference. (I'm almost positive about the date but I could be off. I know I was a sophomore in college, so I was probably just short of turning 20)

How can you know me when I don't know myself and fear that I never will
I'm in a deep, dark cave with no light shining from above or even from below
What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet but names are gender specific
I don't want to place a name on myself for fear that a name is just another label that I am not ready to apply to myself. I came out of the closet only to walk back in and lock the door behind me, staring at old clothing hanging lifelessly. I fear Fear itself and everything that can came with being petrified of
WHO I AM
The whole point of coming to the conference was to attend trans discussions and try to find out my identity. I'm too scared to even do to discussions about transgenderism. I don't want to be alone right now even though I am not alone and am surrounded by people. To others I am being anti-social. To myself I am being anti-everything. Even thoughts of anti-life have entered my mind. Confusion muddles my brain. How can I live my life if I do not know who I am. This is not typical teenage identify crisis.
WHO AM I
The words are blurred as tears enter my eyes. Shame, embarrassment. Do I know who I am but am too scared to admit my gender deformity to myself? How afraid of other reactions am I? I search my soul to find answers to my questions. How can I look around and not see anyone confused as I? How is it that others can keep it to themselves without showing a face of remorse and pain? I envy those who know their sexuality and are comfortable with how others perceive them.
AM I WHO YOU SEE?
Then enlighten me.



Wow. Even reading that now shakes me up a bit. This spring will mark 5 years since I wrote that and looking back makes me see how far I've come.

I tried to make a new voice clip but apparently this computer doesn't have a microphone ;p

W0rd

A visit home

This weekend I'm in Worcester visiting my mother. Luckily for me she's working 3-7 tonight. I've already made cookies and I'm about to go rake leaves. I finally broke down and bought new headphones and a skin for Pod-o. I was a little disgusted at myself at how dirty I've let the white parts of my I-Pod get (the rest of it is silver - that was pretty dirty as well.) so now it has a nice black skin. The headphone I got are white which is taking a little getting used to. I'm just glad I have my music back.
I had my therapist appointment in Boston today. I talked a lot about wanting to write book someday, something that other trans men in positions similar to mine can relate to. I also talked about wanting to be a speaker someday and my therapist seemed really interested in my potential as a trans educator. W0rd.
I think I fell asleep on the train from South Station to Worcester, either that or i just zoned out with my eyes closed for half an hour. I started my day at 6:10am and didn't take any adderell so I was wiped out.
I should get to the raking before it gets dark.
I posted a picture from about 13 months ago. My skin was so much clearer! ;)

Living in a man's world

Over the past few weeks I've noticed the female features of my face almost just melting away. I know that sounds strange, but I don't know how else to describe it. I also noticed this morning that the area around my chin/under my lip/under my chin is beginning to sprout hairs. Pretty cool. My mustache is also continuing to get darker and more pronounced.

Yesterday at work I ran into a supervisor I hadn't seen in awhile. He said hi and, in true man fashion, pounded me in the chest. Luckily for me he hit the dead center and it was a complete non-incident. However, it reinforces my feeling of passing 100%.

My grandfather is throwing a party/open house Saturday so I will be venturing home on Friday after my appointment in Boston. Which means I get to visit my favorite men's room in South Station.

Speaking of bathrooms, I don't think I've mentioned my love for peeing standing up. I use the Mango product. A lot of guys have issues with it because it takes a really long time for it to be mailed/arrive, the tube slips out a lot, and for the price neither of these things should be an issue. I too have issues with the tube slipping out but I've gotten used to putting it back in with a pencil. I also am unable to pee directly through the fly and have to unzip my pants, but let me tell you - it's worth it. I love peening standing up so much that I think sitting down is a waste of time. Granted I don't actually pee standing up often, usually only when I'm out and sometimes (like this past week) I'm too lazy to put the tube in and just pack without it. I find the harness that can also be bought from the same site works well, although for cheaper someone could totally make their own.

At some point I need to invest in new binders. I've been wearing the same ones for over a year now. I have 2 that fit me really well (which is funny because when I got them they were too small so I had to cut out a layer) and 3 that are now a little too big. I only wear those when I'm in for the night or just bumming around the house. Most of my clothes are too big as well so the binders will have to come after new pants.

I realized awhile ago that I never did a post about what I do on a daily basis to be me. So, there you have it! Binding, packing, and a smile on my face =)

Searching for a new beginning

Sometime back in June (I think) I submitted a letter to the management of UPS to be considered for a part time supervisor position. About three months ago I finally heard back from them in the form of an informal HR session that basically just laid out what we were applying for and how that happened. Then I heard nothing, yet again. Until last Monday, in which my supervisor had me sign all the paperwork so I could take the assessment test. I took the test on Thursday. The test was comprised of some basic math questions (all percentages) questions about prior experience and your personality. It was all multiple choice, although some of the questions left me thinking, "I wouldn't do any of those..." Anyway, it was all pretty straight forward and I couldn't imagine not passing it. I received a letter in the mail yesterday that started with, "Thank you for applying for a management position at UPS. At this time, however, based on our assessment process, there does not appear to be a match between your skills and abilities and UPS's needs." My favorite part of it is, "If you are interested in re-applying for consideration for part-time management positions, the timeframe for re-application is six months from the day of your underqualification."

Yes. That's right. They are telling ME that I am underqualified for a PART TIME supervisor position at UPS. As much as I want to laugh in their faces, I think this is exactly what I needed. I feel floored and ready to (really this time) start searching for a real job. I'm looking for a full time administrative job in a college or university. I miss the university atmosphere and, as weird as this sounds, I miss doing office work. I miss using me brain instead of brawn, I miss conversations with educated people, and I miss being happy at my job.

I'm scared and anxious to begin this hunt but I also know it is good for me to finally understand that I have talents and qualifications that are going to waste. Also, I need the money like woah.

I hung the rejection letter on the wall by my desk. I got the idea from Stephen King. When he was younger and first starting to send out his work, he hung all his rejection letters on a nail. Eventually he had so many he had to replace the nail with a metal spike. If that's what it takes to get me moving, then we'll try it. I mean, really. I'll try almost anything once ;)