Good news

My face is clearing up! I've noticed a conciderable difference from the last picture I posted 8 days ago. I also got a haircut which makes me look less greasy in general. I had a little bit of a cold this week so I've had to force myself to lay low. I feel much better today than yesterday, so that's a plus. Next tuesday I have chemo, which is always a good time.
Yesterday I stumbled across this frightening article. (I say frightening because it brings up so many issues, both medically and emotionally, that are hard for anyone to wrap their minds around.) I wasn't going to comment on it, but I feel like I'm posting it so I should.

Pregnant Transman

So what do I think?

It's difficult for me because I want to say good for him. Way to be secure enough with who you are enough to defy every gender boundry known. However, I can't do that. Knowing what I know about the effects of testosterone on a female's reproductive system, I am astounded that his eggs were able to be inseminated. I was reading that there has been countless studies about the effect of testosterone on a fetus and the findings aren't good. More likely than not the child will be intersexed, first of all, among other abnormalities. Psychologically and physically I can't imagine being on testosterone for 8 years, going off it, and having the hormonal influx of a pregnant woman. This situation brings up so many ethical questions as well. Okay, so now we've proven that a "man" can give birth. But should we do it? As someone said in a group I'm in, will the child have to find out in school that humans aren't like seahorses and it's the female of the species that usually give birth? Does his name go on the birth certificate as the mother, and if so, where does his wive's name go? Here we are, questioning the gender markers of simple words such as mother and father. Because technically this man is the mother, because the mother gives birth in our society and therefore has maternal rights.
I'm giving myself a headache ;P
Okay, so I'm going to play my own devil's advocate. I mentioned before that the years of testosterone probably messed up his reproductive system enough to cause birth defects. In a heterosexual "normal" birth, women encounter possibilities for birth defects all the time, whether she's a smoker, it runs in the family, they found the gene for Downs Syndrome, etc. So am I advocating that these women shouldn't give birth? No. These women also don't identify as men, which is what I struggle with.
I identify as a transman. What does that mean? I was born with a female body and I am taking testosterone to correct my hormones. My brain is wired as male. I present myself as male and live my life as such. Men are not wired to have babies, therefore I consider myself not wired to have babies. I did not harvest any of my eggs before beginning hormone treatment and I don't regret that.
This entire issue is much bigger than "Society says women have babies and men don't," because it's not just society: It's science. It's nature. I'm all for being liberal and to each his own, but I have a hard time wrapping my mind around something that literally flips everything on it's head. I think a lot of transpeople are afraid that this situation will do bad things for the community, and people will think "LOOK! They can procreate now! Now they can make more of themselves and TAKE OVER!!" I'm all for pushing the envelope, but when is it too far? I'd love any opinions on this matter because obviously it's taking up a lot of my brain.
And to Thomas Beatie, Congratulations on your baby. I hope everything works out and she is happy and healthy. I'm sure you will make a great parent.

Acne

This is the state of my face from the prednisone. I actually didn't think it was this bad until I took the picture. I have a prescription cream, however like most creams the fine print told me it may not start working for 6 weeks. I can handle the body acne, but the face? C'mon! Damn you, steriods!

I'm such a bad blog updater

Hello and welcome back to As the Tranny Turns! When we last left Sean, he was pumped up on prednisone and wallowing in self pity and loneliness. His mother, the Janet, convinced of his impending death, made herself a nuisance. And now to our show!

The Testosterone Files

I think I mentioned before that my doctor had me discontinue use of testosterone while I was in the hospital. This was done not because the T has anything to do with me being sick, but because testosterone and prednisone are similar structured drugs and he wanted to make sure that we weren't flooding my system. I was off testosterone for about a month and then was able to continue hormone therapy. It's been about a month since continuing and I feel fine. My voice is still a little squeaky from the off/on action.

Facial hair is pouring in. The prednisone has given me HORRIBLE acne which makes me petrified to shave. I'm not quite a monkey yet, but I'm getting there.

Last weekend I went to Worcester to volunteer at the St. Patricks Day Parade with my mother. She's on the committee and I used to help out every year. Then I began my transition, so last year I didn't go. I was nervous because my mother didn't really tell anyone. And she still talks about her "daughter." However, I pass well enough that everyone, whether they had been told her not, saw me and treated me as male. I was also working away from my mother all day which makes it 100% easier. It's her slips and pronouns that tip people off. I had such a good day being myself and helping to run the awards (anyone who has programmed with me in the past, thing battle of the bands judging on crack with old people). Afterwards I told my mom how nice it was when people didn't know and just got to know me for me. She was like, well they knew, and I was like, trust me, if they knew they forgot because they did not know I used to be a girl. I think it's hard for her to imagine someone not knowing because she looks at me and sees a girl. She hates the facial hair - almost as much as she hates my body hair. Last summer she told me she hated hair "even on real men." Thanks mom ;P

The Medical Front

March 4th I had my first round of cyclophosphamide. My mother insisted on taking me. We got lost on the way and were 20 minutes late, but luckily we were going to be there for 6 hours so it didn't really matter. Basically I sit for 6 hours and get a low dose of chemotherapy to treat the lupus. I also get flushed with a LOT of saline fluid and receive a medication that shields the kidney from damage from the chemo. This medication has to be given 4 hours apart, which is why I am there for so long. The day wasn't as long as I had anticipated, although I had taken my adderall and did puzzles all day. They have volunteers that used to be patients there and they come by with drinks, snacks, and lunch. My mother makes a big deal about me getting chemo but i really don't see it as a big deal. I don't even get any side effects from it, except extreme fatigue the next day. My rheumotologist came up so I could sign the consent form and he seems to think that I won't even need the full 6 months of treatment. My levels are looking good and the kidney function has gone up. My next chemo is April 1st, which my mother is attending, After that I told her that I'm doing it by myself. Honestly I don't mind people coming with me. Just not here. She puts additional stress on me and I need to learn to say no to her. I'm not twelve anymore and I don't think she understands that. I get that I'm her kid and that this is a scary time for her, but if her being crazy Janet is impacting my recovery, she's not helping. I was lucky enough to get all three of my next doctor appointments on the same day, which I mentioned to her in passing. I got a text from her saying that she could go with me if I wanted. I told her that, No, I'm good. Haven't heard from her since ;P I'm trying to let her be as involved as I can without driving me crazy.

Other happenings

I'm become best friends with the Pollard Memorial Library of Lowell. I went yesterday and read the entire recent issue of Time. I've discovered audio books. When I was in Boston last week I listened to The Pearl by John Steinbeck. By the end of the day just by listening to my ipod I had read an entire book. Next I'm going to see how Stephen King's The Colorado Kid translates into audio. I've been reading a lot of different books including poetry. I've also been writing in my paper and pen journal, which I take with me everywhere. It has it's own spot in my backpack. I write anything and everything.

I'm addicted to Subway. There is a Subway right near the library. They have daily sandwich specials, a value meal with chips and a drink for $3.99. I have the sandwiches of the day memorized. I usually hang out in Subway for an hour when I go, eating and writing, writing and eating. Mostly writing because the 6 inch sub doesn't last long.

I found lately that I have to be careful with how much energy I'm using. Usually when I get back from the library I'm exhausted. This Wednesday I forced myself to stay in the house and do nothing. I was miserable all day because I was bored. And when I'm bored I tend to eat everything in the house from the prednisone. I think I need to work out some sort of a schedule for myself. I'm thinking of working in some concrete writing time that will force me to write, or at least sketch out something to write.

Until next time, thank you for watching As the Tranny Turns!

This sounds about right

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