Saturday, November 17, 2007
Back in the day
Getting a second job was the best thing my mother ever did for me. Today she's at work 12-5 then we're heading over to my grandfather's for his open house party thing. I found something I wrote spring break of 2003 when a bunch of us attended the True Colors Conference. (I'm almost positive about the date but I could be off. I know I was a sophomore in college, so I was probably just short of turning 20)
How can you know me when I don't know myself and fear that I never will
I'm in a deep, dark cave with no light shining from above or even from below
What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet but names are gender specific
I don't want to place a name on myself for fear that a name is just another label that I am not ready to apply to myself. I came out of the closet only to walk back in and lock the door behind me, staring at old clothing hanging lifelessly. I fear Fear itself and everything that can came with being petrified of
WHO I AM
The whole point of coming to the conference was to attend trans discussions and try to find out my identity. I'm too scared to even do to discussions about transgenderism. I don't want to be alone right now even though I am not alone and am surrounded by people. To others I am being anti-social. To myself I am being anti-everything. Even thoughts of anti-life have entered my mind. Confusion muddles my brain. How can I live my life if I do not know who I am. This is not typical teenage identify crisis.
WHO AM I
The words are blurred as tears enter my eyes. Shame, embarrassment. Do I know who I am but am too scared to admit my gender deformity to myself? How afraid of other reactions am I? I search my soul to find answers to my questions. How can I look around and not see anyone confused as I? How is it that others can keep it to themselves without showing a face of remorse and pain? I envy those who know their sexuality and are comfortable with how others perceive them.
AM I WHO YOU SEE?
Then enlighten me.
Wow. Even reading that now shakes me up a bit. This spring will mark 5 years since I wrote that and looking back makes me see how far I've come.
I tried to make a new voice clip but apparently this computer doesn't have a microphone ;p
W0rd
How can you know me when I don't know myself and fear that I never will
I'm in a deep, dark cave with no light shining from above or even from below
What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet but names are gender specific
I don't want to place a name on myself for fear that a name is just another label that I am not ready to apply to myself. I came out of the closet only to walk back in and lock the door behind me, staring at old clothing hanging lifelessly. I fear Fear itself and everything that can came with being petrified of
WHO I AM
The whole point of coming to the conference was to attend trans discussions and try to find out my identity. I'm too scared to even do to discussions about transgenderism. I don't want to be alone right now even though I am not alone and am surrounded by people. To others I am being anti-social. To myself I am being anti-everything. Even thoughts of anti-life have entered my mind. Confusion muddles my brain. How can I live my life if I do not know who I am. This is not typical teenage identify crisis.
WHO AM I
The words are blurred as tears enter my eyes. Shame, embarrassment. Do I know who I am but am too scared to admit my gender deformity to myself? How afraid of other reactions am I? I search my soul to find answers to my questions. How can I look around and not see anyone confused as I? How is it that others can keep it to themselves without showing a face of remorse and pain? I envy those who know their sexuality and are comfortable with how others perceive them.
AM I WHO YOU SEE?
Then enlighten me.
Wow. Even reading that now shakes me up a bit. This spring will mark 5 years since I wrote that and looking back makes me see how far I've come.
I tried to make a new voice clip but apparently this computer doesn't have a microphone ;p
W0rd
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