Monday, July 30, 2007

Saturday, July 28, 2007

7/28/07

After my therapist appointment yesterday I had 4 and a half hours to kill before my appointment with Kevin for the T, so I bought a notebook and chilled in the Pru food court. Below is the contents of said notebook:

10:32 am 7/27/07

I had a long rant about slow walkers getting off the train, but the moment has passed and it sounds boring. That was a good story.

I just got off the phone with a woman from the commonwealth cares program from MassHealth. I called to pick a plan, one recommended to me (well, two were recommended out of 4 plans by someone who works at fenway and I blindly chose 1) and got ma'am ed. Obviously it bothered me if I'm writing it down. (Sidetracked: I'm in the Pru food court and HOLY SHIT does the Chinese food smell amazing.) It sucks that my gender is listed as female. Changing a name only tips off so many people. I wonder if it will change when my voice drops? Speaking of medical coverage (I mean, who isn't? It's really a crowd pleaser alongside chips and dip) I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday because my ankle was swollen. I was a little shocked (okay, a lot) that every question on a normal "new person" sign-in sheet was there - except one. Nowhere on the paper were two letters, one of which I was supposed to circle.

Am I so used to living in a binary society of male and female that when faced with NOT identifying myself as either/or I'm unnerved? Logically I would think I would be overjoyed by this prospect, yet the 1984/Brave New World mentality of belonging to a predestined caste (m or f) leaves me feeling alone and exposed when I deviate from the norm.

And if the medical problem was not my ankle but was a notoriously female part of my anatomy, or a problem in which said anatomy may be exposed, would I even have gone in the first place?

How many FTMs have faced, and will continue to face death at the hands of breast cancer, ovarian cancer and other diseases because they are too uncomfortable with living between the m and f to seek treatment?

I try not to talk about the slight almost non-existent growth of my facial/body hair because it's boring. I remember reading in Just Add Hormones a section where he states friends get bored when you talk incessantly about each new hair. Most people will never experience the complete change of their body from one check able box to the other. Imagine the body you have had for life suddenly takes off and does things it has never done. Even though my body isn't the one of my dreams and fantasies, it's the one I have and I make do with it. Sure, it needs some work, but I've always had control over it. Now I wait with baited breath for something new to happen when I least expect it. Yeah, it's exciting. But it's also more stressful than I have ever expressed. My body is physically changing and I have no idea what that is going to look like. Eventually my voice will begin to crack and people will really believe I'm 12. (I really want orange chicken) I have set out on a journey where I am not only responsible for taking care of myself, I feel like I am also responsible for readying those around me and taking care of their needs during this process. It's extremely draining.

The orange chicken is phenomenal.

When did fast food medium drinks get ginormous? Do we as Americans REALLY need an extra however many ounces of coke? Most mediums don't fit in cup holders anymore! And a large? Forget it. If I wanted a bucket of soda I'd bring my own beach pail. And it's not even like you're getting more bang for your buck. Prices for fountain soda is ridiculous, considering it costs like 3 cents to produce. Alas, they are still cheaper than bottles.

I was reading S. Bear Bergman's book Butch is a noun in the Boston Public Library this afternoon and I had to pee yet was so engrossed I couldn't put the damn book down. And then I came across a chapter titled Tranny Bladder in which the author talks about how people who are trans, queer, between genders, etc. develop the ability to never have to pee in public places by becoming very good at holding it and/or not drinking any fluids. A few minutes later as I was running down two flights of stairs towards the men's room, I silently chanted in my mind, "I do not have tranny bladder! I DO NOT HAVE TRANNY BLADDER!!!!"

I highly recommend this book even though I only read the first 80 pages (I had to get to the T, G!) I gave the chapter on gender neutral pronouns a shot despite my personal animosity towards them. I'm glad I did. Hir chapter outlines when it is appropriate to use such pronouns (genderqueer, etc.) but ze also brought up a good point that they can be used as a safe alternate if one is unsure of the gender of a person. However, if I met an androgynous person, I wouldn't be like "Hello!" and then ask a friend, "Do you think ze is thirsty? We should get some lemonade for hir!" My problem isn't that I think these pronouns are stupid; they have their place. My problem, which I learned today, is that they don't apply to me. I'm a transman, yes, but I'm not gender neutral. I identify as a male, even if my physical being doesn't have those characteristics.

This bit of self-realization also explains why I used to think genderqueer was stupid - especially a few years ago when I was at the height of discovering who I was. "Genderqueer" was a label I rejected even though I admired the GQ bois for being out, proud, and themselves.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Mini update

Two weeks of T

Something worth noting:

Since I was 14 I have been a smoker. I enjoyed smoking, and I did it well.

Until April 25th, 2007.

That's right, folks. This kid is no longer a smoker. Nope, not even an occassional drag. Done forever!

I refused to start T while being a smoker because I have heard it's really REALLY bad for you. So one day I just stopped.

Yay me!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Shot numero dos

I got my second T shot yesterday. I drew up the syringe myself for the first time, and will hopefully be injecting myself soon. My dose this time was twice that of the first one (100 up from 50) and before I know it I'll be on the full 200. Woo hoo!

The acne on my forehead is going nuts. That's the last time I skip a day of oxy bodywash!

The side of my face is beginning to look more angular. I thought I was hallucinating (or being a wishful thinker) but this has been confirmed. Yay face!

If I look in the mirror long enough, with the right light, and at the correct angle, I can begin to see really really small, and really really light hairs. This, I believe, really IS wishful thinking ;)

I've noticed a shorter temper and I become snippy a lot quicker than before - BUT

Going on week 3 of T I am much more confident and secure in who I am and who I am becoming.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Looking back on 6/29/07

I'm a bad blogger.

I remember when the thought of testosterone was futuristic for me, almost like a christmas that never seemed to come soon enough. I always said things like, "When I start the T, I'll do this...when I start the T, I'll do that..."

Well, my friends. That time is upon us, and I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job at documenting it.

On June 29th, 2007 at approximately 4:30pm I received my first dose of testosterone, injected into the upper part of my ass. I started with 50 (a "normal" dose is 200) and will continue getting shots every two weeks until I decide I want to inject myself.

I had to sign paperwork stating that I did not want to bank my ovaries and that I knew what the longterm/permanent effects of testosterone were. I do believe I was even shaking a little as the nurse drew up the needle. What was the first thing I said after the injection? (This will be good trivia some day) : "That didn't hurt as much as I thought it would!"

The first thing I noticed after the injection came a few days later when my voice was really dry. It felt like the nicotine craving pang coupled with wanting lots of water. I recorded my voice on the 4th day and again on the 8th day. It is so incredible crazy that in just a week you can hear my voice on the verge of beginning to deepen. It's very strange to explain, hence why I've begun recording. I just made a recording for day 13. It is very similar to that of day 8, and it sounds like I have a slowly progressing cold ;P Other than that, I feel stronger and my arms are getting bigger. I've been doing some sort of work out regimen every day, whether it is at work or at home.

(The next section is rated M for mature)

Another side effect of the testosterone that I must mention is the enlongation of the clitoris. Sometime during the first week i noticed my little guy down there starting to swell and grow a little. It has recently calmed down and will probably stay the size it is until the next shot. (Which, I might add, is tomorrow. ;) )

I've been doing a lot of research, mainly on a myspace group in which I found a bunch of guys who are around the same age and transitioning at the same time. Because I don't have any ftm friends, it is huge for me to be able to post questions or even just read what others have experienced so I better know what to expect.

Oh! I lied. The first thing I noticed was the acne. My skin is more oily and i now use Oxy body wash everyday. I have a nice patch on my forehead, my chin, and I think I'm beginning to break out on my back. This was actually really exciting because I noticed it very early on and it proved to me that the T was working. Wa hoo!

I'm going to make an effort to update more frequently so I don't blow past anything that might have been important at the time but forgotten b y the time I write.