I've been thinking that it may be therapeutic for me to update my blog more often. I want to start writing again because as many of you know it is damn near impossible for my ADHD brain to put thoughts on paper. And impossible if I wait too long.
Thursday I had a doctor’s appointment with my primary care, Kevin. Off I go early in the day to kill two birds with one stone. 1) I have the original appointment and 2) I have to get my blood work done at Beth Israel anyway. On the way to catch the bus I manage to slide (literally holding onto the railing) down my stairs and, just when I thought I was fine, slipped on the ice at the bottom. Afraid to miss my train, I leave anyway and try to deal with the blood using my glove. Unfortunately I was wearing khakis and my blood is a little bit thinner than normal, so I continued my day with a bloodbath on my left knee. Needless to say nobody messed with me ;)
One of the side effects of the 60mg of prednisone I take daily is that I eat all the time. It's really annoying and something I have to watch out for. However considering I lost 12lbs in one month not many people seem to be too concerned about it. There is a food court right near Beth Israel and I had been daydreaming about a foot long subway sandwich for days. After getting my sandwich, chips, and some root beer and gaping at the ridiculous price (Almost $10! ARE YOU SERIOUS??) I put half the sandwich away for later and ate lunch. Right as I finished I got a phone call.
It's the lady from social security inquiring about my online disability form. I explained to her that I was going to make an appointment, but she said she only works on these claims Tues and Thurs and next week she would be on vacation. Right now it is! I was on the phone with truly and nice woman, probably around my age for one hour and 13 minutes in a food court answering questions from my ENTIRE 10 years of work history to if I hide money under my mattress. The best thing about this is that I should be getting a packet in the mail that I can sign, send back, and get this process rolling. The bad news is that it normally takes 3-4 months for a medical decision to be made and there is a very good chance of getting denied and having to appeal it. Ugh.
After the phone call ends (and my phone starts to die) I realize I have less than an hour to get my blood taken and get to Back Bay (for anyone who knows where Beth Israel is, this is a little bit of a hike.) Oh, and my knee is killing me from the earlier spill. So I power limp to get my blood taken, give my urine, let the tech ooh and sigh at the state of my bruised veins, and power limp back to the T stop. I got to Downtown Station to switch to the orange line at 3:16. My appointment is at 3:20. I called the doctor’s office to let them know I would be late.
I roll into the office 10 minutes late and am told that I have to call my insurance company because I never officially switched my primary care to Kevin. Apparently Network Health just gave me a random doctor in Worcester because I used my mother's address. So I get on the line and I can't hear the woman, then I go on hold. Well of course at that time my doctor is ready. So I hang up.
This was the first time since I was in the hospital that I got to see my doctor so that was nice. He told me that when he first looked at the chest x-ray from before he hoped my body would bounce back from it. This made me think it was altogether way worse than I thought. He seemed pleased with the way my body was functioning, how everything sounded, and the way I was responding to the meds. He also has been doing a lot of research on the effects of T and lupus and can't find any. Apparently him and the coordinator of the Transgender program at Fenway will be working on an entry for the journal and be presenting it at a conference. I think that's awesome. He sees no reason why we can't continue the hormones but I guess the steroids have a similar structure so he just wants to make sure the steroids and T won't kill me ;P He said we waited this long a few more days won't kill me. He's concerned about the emotional and physical withdrawal of the T. I've been off it for about a month now. He also told me to be careful if I start thinking people are following me or if people on TV are talking to me. Like if Howie Mandel offers a million dollars just to me. Prednisone is creepy shit.
After getting my blood taken for the 2nd time in a few hours (he wanted to check my glucose because I was complaining of sugar level issues due to the prednisone and how they were giving me insulin in the hospital) and getting a shot of vitamin B-12 I get back on the phone with the insurance. Apparently my request went through the first time. Sweet.
It's funny thinking of this as a long weekend because now every weekend is long to me. I went to the library last week and got a library card so I could take out books. I've never been in a situation where I literally have nothing to do. This morning I cleaned the bathroom from top to bottom. My cat didn't know there was water in the tub and, as I was washing off the rubber duckies, he wanted to play and jumped in. I don't think he'll make that mistake again. I'm also having trouble, as mentioned before, with eating everything in sight. Another thing that makes this difficult is that I can't tell if it's all from the prednisone or if I'm eating because I'm bored. I think it's a mix.
I'm also very limited by the amount of physical activity I can do. Yesterday in the AM I walked just under half an hour to the grocery store, shopped, and then walked the same distance back with a backpack filled with food. Back in my normal healthy days that wouldn't have fazed me but it completely knocked me out. In bed by 10. I'm going to have to figure out things that I can do that are low energy, or something I can do outside a few times a week.
And then I think about the monthly doses of cyclaphosamine (essentially a low low dose of chemo for my kidneys.) Because the only one I've had I was in the hospital and literally up all night and hallucinating, I don't know how this is going to affect my energy. I'm very concerned about becoming a shut in and depressed. The only think I miss about UPS is the social atmosphere I had on a daily basis. I know I'm not the most social person in the world, but I really want to work on that. Especially now when my day is built around my cat's eating habits.
The New Hampshire Telegraph has been publishing a series called In Transition on the transgender community on the front page of the Sunday paper. I just read the second installment today and I think they are doing a good job. They have been focusing on male - to - female transfolks and even did a story on a therapy group they have. In my experience it is much harder for an mtf to transition both physically and into society. They also posted an article that focused on why some psychiatrists believe that gender identity disorder is a legitimate mental illness and should be treated as one, that is we should be treated mentally and be taught to be comfortable in the bodies we were born in. It also talked about religious persons saying that God specifically said man and woman and to reject the sex God gave you is to reject God. Well, I've come to terms with the fact that there is no way I would ever be comfortable in a female body. If my doctor told me I could never take T again I would be devastated but I would also be grateful for the time I had and try to live my life as a man as normally as possible. It's not like I'd be like, well I gave that one a try, bring on the dresses!
This is a really long post, so I'm going to stop talking now :)
PS - I just looked at the title of the entry and noticed I forgot to mention the old man. When I was walking to the grocery store yesterday I came across an old man stranded behind some ice on the sidewalk. He asked if I could help him and of course I did. I told him to be careful of the ice. He told me thank you and that he hoped I never got old. It made me smile.
