NanoWriMo...oh no I'm starting to talk like them!

It's...well, it was, day 5 of National Novel Writing Month. I don't care if you're sick of me talking about it. There are 25...well, soon to be 24, days left, so you better get used to it!

Today my own personal goal was to get to the 10,000 word mark. At this moment I'm at 10,885/50,000. Hooray! I wrote 4093 words today (!) and my story took an interesting new direction. I'm not sure how it all goes together buy, I guess that's to worry about after it's written. When I realized what I had written and where it was going I actually started to giggle out loud. That's never good. Then again, I've also spent most of the day writing. I took my adderall at two separate times so I was able to concentrate better. One of the days I waited too late to start and it was like pulling teeth. I think it was day 3. But now I'm cruising along. It'll be interesting to see where it goes from here!

National Novel Writing Month

It's Day 2 of National Novel Writing Month and, yes, I've been writing! It's been a challenge for me to forget all I've been taught and just write. I know, boo hoo hoo for me. But in having a BA in English with a concentration in writing, there are certain things you're taught to do. And certain things you're taught not to. Like what I just did. I'm used to tightening up my prose as I go. When you're writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, you're going for quantity and not quality. Someone on the website joked that December is for editing. The entire point of doing this is to prove that it is possible for anyone to write a novel. 50,000 is technically a novella, but they wanted to make it doable for people that had full time jobs, children, were students, etc. could participate without killing themselves.

I was very upset on November 1st when I woke up with a cold. Well, I was actually upset during the night when I couldn't sleep because my nose wouldn't stop running. At one point I fell asleep with a tissue propped up against my nose. But I was still able to churn out over 1,000 words. In order to stay on track I have to produce around 1700 word a day. Today I made up for yesterday by bringing my two day total up to 3445. I'm actually hoping to finish a week early (glutton for punishment) so I don't have to worry about working on it while home for Thanksgiving.

Cats, Halloween, and Novels

Back by popular demand!

So sorry for the delay between posts. Usually if nothing of note happens in the day I don't see any point in updating.

I just read back a few entries and realized I never updated about the cat. I changed his diet awhile back to Iams healthy something or other and more recently started feeding him a little wet food at night. His problem seems to be gone for now. I'm also working harder to make sure he drinks plenty of water. I mixed some wet food with water today and gave it to him. He was happy to take it off my hands. Right now he's thumping his tail and laying on a stack of magazines. Nothing beats a spoiled, happy cat.

Last night we had our yearly Halloween party. The theme was Iron Chef: Gourds, and I was very apprehensive as last year at the halloween party I had a seizure during set-up. I may have mentioned that before. Anyway, this time I was seizure free! And I won an award for best use of the sectret ingrediant. I made a vegetarian pumpkin lasagna from a recipe I found online. I had my doubt, but it was a fan favorite. Score!
I'm trying to get use to not drinking at parties. With all the pills I'm on and all, alcohol is one of the worst things I can put in my body. Also I'm not the, "well, I'll just have one," type of person. It's why when I quit smoking I just stopped. It's either all or none. If I have one, it'll lead to move. When my doctor okay'd 1-2 beers, I had seven; and I threw up everywhere. I've put soda in the place of alcohol. As odd as it sounds, I think it's working. I stopped drinking soda on a regular basis and only do it on "special" occasions. So last night instead of drinking and regretting it, I let myself have soda guilt free. It's a win-win situation.

Tomorrow begins National Novel Writing Month. I'm sure in a few days I'll be blogging about how i can't believe i signed up for this. But for now, let's pretend it's a great idea. I'm hoping that having a goal with a definite deadline will help me get back into a schedule. Not having a schedule and watching 6 hours of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, while fun, isn't doing anything for my mental, emotional, and physical health. Starting at 12:00am November 1st, participants have 30 days to write a 50,000 word novel. Or if you're looking for pages, that number is 175. I don't have any strong ideas as of yet. I think I'll just start writing tomorrow and see what comes out. It's how I work best after all. :)

Haven't done this in years!

Couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep last night. Until this morning when I realized I took pills labelled DAY instead of the ones labeled NIGHT. Day pills contain adderell. Now I am very tired. ;P

My name is Sean Hodgdon, and I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!

Okay, so I missed 2 days. One of those days nothing happened. No, really! I sat and watched Buffy allllllll day. Yesterday I booked a trip to Disney World.

No, you heard me correctly. I booked a trip to Disney World yesterday. Okay, okay. I didn't use my credit card. BUT I did do the actual booking. For December. Yes, this December. C'mon, what better way to celebrate the holidays than at the happiest place on earth!

Wheelchair is ordered, cat sitter confirmed, I called WDW today to iron out the details. Yes, I'm the person who accidentally sent in two reservations when I was playing around with the dates. I told her that yes, the one we started to pay for was the one we wanted to keep. I also requested a room close to the bus stop because of the wheelchair. Seriously, if I didn't use a wheelchair while there I would be beat after a day and a half. I was so tired the last time we went (and this is using a wheelchair), we came back to the room in the middle of the day to rest up before we went out again. I passed out in my underwear for an hour and a half. I'm the person who doesn't EVER nap. We're also going during the free dining promotion and during the 3rd least crowded week of the year. It will be nice to see the parks all dressed up for the holidays.

Also yesterday the Westboro Baptist Church (website: godhatesfags.com) had threatened to protest UML's production of the Laramie Project. Almost 100 students, faculty, staff, and friends showed up for a peaceful counter protest with witty and funny signs. People even stayed when it started to rain. I did not, I ran for cover for two reasons. 1) I refused to get sick from standing out in the pouring rain because 2) they never showed up. That's right - they. didn't. show. Apparently they've missed a lot of their protests lately and we weren't on the protest schedule on the offending website. It was great that they didn't show up but oddly disappointing as so many showed up in support.

The day we lost power I made out a check to one of my loan companies, sealed the envelope, and then lost it. The only good thing is I know it didn't leave the house because we didn't have any stamps. It's driving me nuts that it's gone. I even ended up rearranging the office looking for it. I made it look 100% better and we can actually get to the gym again. Because I'll be rocking a wheelchair for a week I need to get working on my arm and core muscles. Last time I did fine without them but I imagine it will be so much easier with them. Night, all! :)

My American Beauty moment at the kitchen table

I got out of the shower and saw a plain band-aid on my arm. I wondered why it wasn't a buzz lightyear band-aid. Then I remembered it was from the flu shot I did not administer myself.

Last night I did not blog because I had an American Beauty moment. We got home late and there was cat shit on the floor, the cats were screaming for food, and I forgot it was Thursday and the trash needed to go out. Amy was tired and went upstairs. I fed the cats and was picking up their poop when Io started throwing up in the livingroom. She threw up at least 6 times. And I picked that night, of all nights, to feed them chunky beef in gravy. After using all the paper towels and napkins, I finally clean it up, use Spot Shot to remove the stains, wipe it down with water, and vacuum. I finish what I was doing before she threw up and take out the trash. At some point I went upstairs to tell a sleeping Amy all the stuff I just did while she was sleeping. I went back downstairs and sat down at the kitchen table. Just sat there. I didn't know what to do, what to feel. I was empty, but full at the same time. Eventually I went upstairs to bed.

Appointments, Buffy, and Cat food

I had a tough time sleeping last night. My left lower back/hip was hit with sharp, stabbing pain for awhile. I think I slept on a couch for a bit before heading upstairs. Luckily when I woke there was no sign of pain. I have a rheumotology appointment tomorrow so I'm hoping he does something about my joint pain. Also I'll have my blood taken so we'll know what is going on.
I found a recipe for Pumpkin Lasagna after learning we needed another main dish for the Halloween party. Last year while preparing for the Halloween party I had a seizure. When I got back from the ER I went straight to sleep on the pull out couch in the guest room. So here's hoping it goes better this year!
I spent most of the day today watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This week has been all about resting as I have Thursday and Friday in Boston.
I received some potential good news about my computer. It seems it might be a software problem so hopefully I'll have it back working soon.
We've been out of Io's fat cat food for a few days so we've been feeding her Porkchop's food. Tonight I split a can of salmon and shrimp fancy feast between the two of them. Io couldn't believe it. She was one happy kitty and completely snubbed the dry food, which she used to be gaga over. Now they're both passed out on the couch. Porkchop's been showing signs of a UTI again so I've been using the wet food to get more water into his system. If he doesn't improve by Monday we'll make him am appointment.

Short

This morning we suddenly lost power when I was watching TV and surfin' da web. Followed by a loud BOOM. I guess whatever happened wasn't terrible because we had power again in 2 hours or so. I used the electricity-free time to go through my mail and file paperwork. It was nice.

And of course as soon as the electricity came on I started to feel terrible again ;P I watched some Cake Boss and Buffy. I also put the heating pad on my lower back and took half a percocet. It's still painful now and I'm hoping it goes away.

Cooking ideas and wheeling wonders

This year the Halloween Party theme is Iron Chef: Gourds. Yes, all gourds. It was decided after much mumbling (and probably some hissing) that gourd edible decorations counted. After watching episodes of Cake Boss's second season I had an idea. It might not work, but I figure I might as well try it out. The worst that can happen? I'll just make something else ;P

We went to IKEA today and bought a few things. My mobility hasn't been the best lately so I opted to get a wheelchair. I've gotten one at IKEA before. Not walking for all that time really makes a HUGE difference. The only wheelchairs they had left were large ones. Big difference from the regular ones. I kept having to scoot back and readjust my body. It did come in handy when we started to accumulate items. I fit a rolled up blanket, two plastic containers, and a toilet paper holder in my sides.

People are generally much nicer to me when I'm in the chair. They seem to have no patience for a young, white, healthy-looking male walking slowly or having trouble getting with his wallet or even having trouble with a pen. Add the wheelchair and BAM, even when I wasn't paying attention and cut off someone they apologized to me. It's always interesting to put in perspective what having an invisible illness vs. a visable illness means as far as courtesy.

Marathon runners and maniac temperatures

This morning we headed out to watch the marathon. Luckily we brought our camping chairs, because even though we were just across the street it was still cold. It was really exciting when we saw Michelle in the distance and the excitement only mounted as she got closer. I had never seen someone I knew run in a marathon before. It was worth it to see the look on her face when she saw us with the sign. Later in the day someone posted a picture of her crossing the finish line in 5hr 50min. In that moment I felt so proud of her. We have only seen each other 3 times (two of which she was running by our townhouse complex) but I feel almost a deep kindred spirit with her.

I haven't felt well today. My temperature has been fluctuating, well, everything but my feet. Lately my feet feel like they just came out of the freezer. I also ate a lot of apple pie today.

We started watching the movie MacGruber because I'm a fan of the SNL skits. Unfortunately the movie is terrible. We got 21min into it and Amy was basically begging me to shut it off. Normally I'll stick with a terrible movie, but this time I turned it off right away. Which made me start wondering if I had a better tolerance for movies like that when I was younger. Probably.

Tomorrow we're off to Ikea to scope out some livingroom side tables and a bathroom mirror.

My Saturday by me

Today was a good day! I woke up at 9a to chop vegetables for our 8 hour in the crockpot stew. After that we went to McDonalds for breakfast in pajamas. Yes, the black fleece pants with skull and crossbones. I ran into CVS to grab some alcohol pads and was called a "Smart Shopper" by the cashier. I'm not sure if it's because I used extrabucks and only paid $0.39 out of pocket, or because one of the extrabucks had expired. ;)

The rest of the day we spent watching episodes of Hoarders, Cake Boss, and the wedding episodes of The Office. We also laid down the floor/tub caulk. And we baked a pie that came out..well, interesting. It took a little longer than expected. But it tastes fantastic! And I did laundry. Oh, and I shaved. I'm now watching last weeks episode of SNL on netflix. Tomorrow we're going to watch the Bay State Marathon and hopefully see Michelle. We have a sign and everything!

Sleepy time, kiddies.

I'm really tired and hoping I can get some sleep tonight. Last night my body ached from the rain storm. I took half a percocet in order to sleep. I thought I forgot to take my day meds today but I didn't. Because of the wind we had three empty trash barrells that weren't ours strayed in front of the garage. I went outside barefoot and stood them upside down next to the house. Hopefully they didn't go far so whomever lost them can locate them. My feet were kind of bluish-purple, but I didn't care because they didn't feel any different. They're always cold. I must be tired, my sentances are never this short. Nor am I this boring. Well, normally.

Winterizing has begun

I just got sucked into looking at one of the blogs of note. It is called Cat Chat. That's all you need to know.

Today Rick, our house repair man, came to install the bathroom ventilation light. It looks and sounds fantastic. And the light works as well. ;) Of course now that the major work is done, it seems the people in the unit next to ours have a water leak. Why does this matter to me? It's leaking into our basement and creating a puddle. Oh, did I mention it's leaking UNDER our stairs and pooling next to them? The person we called at the condo association seems to think that if our stairs need to be replaced it is our responcibility to pay for it. I could understand if WE had a leak. Or if our basement flooded due to the WEATHER. But come on! Don't worry, we'll be thoroughly going through our paperwork and doing whatever homework is necessary.

In other news, I put in the downstairs storm windows and rearranged the livingroom to be more winter-friendly. The problem is the heaters are in the worst possible places. And I'll never understand why heaters are directly under windows. Doesn't that defeat the purpose?

Bah, technology!

With my computer still out of order, I nearly fell out of bed this mroning when Amy's computer shut down randomly by itself. After doing some checking online I think it may have overheated. I'll have to keep an eye on it.

Last night I accompanied Amy to the candlelight vigil Pride Alliance put on for Matthew Shepard and the gay teens who committed suicide. It was very moving and all the students involved did a great job. Over 100 people showed up.

I always forget that in the fall before the first frost I'm allergic to everything. Especially something on both East and South campuses. My face was swollen and I couldn't stop sneezing! I felt terrible everytime I interrupted a speaker.

Hopefully my laptop will be fixed soon...and perhaps this one can behave itself until then.

Brownies

I woke up this morning to a note on the whiteboard. It said, if you are feeling up to it please make brownies. Pouch is on the counter. First off, the brownies are not for me. Fully knowing that I made them anyway. Now they are cooling on the very counter they came from. All I want to do is rip into them and eat the entire batch. So whomever gets these brownies tomorrow, be thankful.

I heart slot machines, dislike lupus, and adore Yard Sale: Hidden Treasures

Holllaaaaa!!!!!!

The alarm went off at 5:15a this morning so we could get an early start to Mohegan Sun. The best part of the casino is getting there before it gets crowded so you can breathe. I got a $10 free slot promo in the mail, which worked out well because I was able to build off that and even walk out with $25.

In other news, I'm 99% sure my lupus is flaring. I should have known. Chest pain, joint/muscle pain, temperature fluctuation, cold hands and feet, and probably a low grade fever. I didn't call it a flare until I saw my red blotchy cheeks and forehead. Then it was official.

Boo!

We got home from the casino around 4p and planned on resting. Because my laptop crashed I've been using Amy's. The problem with that is something happened long ago to her computer and it's never been fixed. So it's extremely slow. This week I'm finding my paperwork and calling Dell. I've only had my laptop for over a year and I'm almost positive it's still under warrenty. Anyway, I didn't stay online for long because she downloaded Yard Sale for the Wii. Yes, I know it sounds terrible. I've been making fun of it for a week. However, I read the reveiw and customers really loved it. So she downloaded it, and I got sucked in right away. It's an extremely cheesy game in which you must visit neighbor's yard sale, find particular items and refurbish them in order to spruce up a room. Why? To win the neighborhood's beautiful house prize. Or something like that.

It's been estimated we played for 4 hours. I will check the wii tomorrow to see the exact time.

My weekend by Seanie

Yes, I know I didn't blog yesterday. I have some good excuses!

#1 - Friday night while waiting for Amy's mother and sister to arrive my computer crashed. Whenever I tried to turn it on I'd get a message saying it couldn't start up. I'd be taken to a grey menu reminiscent of Windows 3.0 days. A system repair bar would appear and it claimed it was searching for the problem. I think it was taking a coffee break. I also attempted to back up my files and then return the system to the state it was in a year ago, which was apparently the last time I thought to back anything up.

No dice.

#2 - Yesterday we went apple picking at Parlee Farms in Tyngsboro. We rode a hay bale-lined cart through the orchard to the trees that were ripe for picking. I'm allergic to hay. I thought I'd be fine as long as it didn't touch my skin. We filled a 20lb bag with apples and I was exhausted from walking up and down the many rows of apple trees, walking on uneven grass/dirt. In the country store I bought two bags of the apple cider donuts and we enjoyed those. If you are ever at Parlee Farms, try them. You will not be disappointed. We then checked out the animals. Amy fed a goat and I got my picture taken with a sheep. Really, what is the singular of sheep? Did the people who invented the English language not think about that? Were they too tired after a long day of backing up the theory that yes, people will totally get the difference between there, their, and they're? One will never know.

#3 - After dropping the apples off at home and throwing away my empty bag of donuts we grabbed our lunch bag and piled into the car. Off to the Yankee Candle Factory in South Deerfield! The ride was pretty uneventful. We listened to songs from Glee off my ipod. The store was packed when we got there. Already exhausted from apple picking and the long car ride, I wasn't too excited to be walking around crowded stores. My highlight of our time there was the $2 blue raspberry slush puppie. Worth every penny.

#4 It is decided after leaving the Yankee Candle Factory that we will be heading to Chunky's in Nashua. After fumbling around on the internet with our trusty 3G phones, we find out that the original move we planned on seeing wasn't playing. The only movie that fit our time schedule was the one with Katherine Heigel about the two single people who have to raise their best friend's baby after they are killed in a car crash. I can't even remember the name of it, that's how much I liked it ;P Anyway. In the car I noticed my ankles were swelling so I removed my socks and shoes to alleviate the pressure. Later I noticed my knees were also swelling. We arrived in Nashua a little early for the movie so we went to the Christmas Tree Shop. Yes, more walking and shopping. But this time I'm not wearing socks! After that we went to the theater, waited in line because our show didn't go on sale until 6:25p and we got there at 6p, ate, watched the movie, and went home. The plan for the night was to watch SNL, but once I went upstairs I stayed there. I tried one last attempt to save my computer (although it was the same thing I tried the day before and didn't work...) and just went to bed.

This morning I do feel a little better. I'm still sore and I'm sneezing and stuffy. Amy's sister, Jessica, is feeling the same way, so we think it's probably from the hay. That stuff stays in your system for quite some time! I'm hoping to have a conversation with my doctor about my mobility issues. I'm afraid he's going to want to put my back on prednisone and I'm not interested in that. I've been taking half a tab of percocet for pain and that seems to be helping, but it doesn't help the swelling too much, and it doesn't help me walk better ;P

Bathroom powwwwwah!

I recently realized I spend way too long when I first log in to my blog contemplating a title. Because I tend to go off on tangents and talk about things I didn't anticipate, I've started waiting until the end to title a post. That way I don't feel stuck in a box and I've freed myself to explore what's in my head.

Yesterday we had a guy come in to work on our bathrooms. He was able to put in the downstairs toilet which is exciting, hung the light above the upstairs vanity, and put in the vanity. Today he came back to finish the plumbing which includes installing a pedistal sink downstairs. He is also putting in a vent/light in the upstairs bathroom. It will be nice having two fully functional bathrooms again. It's no fun using the bathroom upstairs and washing your hands downstairs.

I'm a spoonie

The Spoon Theory

Tired!

I'm happy to report that the goo gone and greased lightning worked on the bathroom floor. It now shines like the top of the Chrysler building. A handyman is coming tomorrow to make both bathrooms fully functional again. Here's hoping!

My first medical ID bracelet

I accidentally went to seanie.blogspot.com and found a blog that hadn't been updated since 2003. And the second to last post was simply: Hellllooooo.
Huh, sounds very familiar. Must be in the Seanie.
I originally shut my computer down and turned off the internet. Yes, we are one of the few households that turn off our wireless when no one is using it. I realized that I hadn't updated my blog and explained to Amy my plan for updating everyday. She agrees that I'll probably have more to say once I get used to writing more. It's not that I don't have anything to say - my head is filled with things! It's just getting them down that's the problem. I do a lot of thinking when I'm in the shower, but by the time I get out and get dressed I'm too tired... or end up in lupus fog land and remember nothing.
Having my last seizure in a public place when I was by myself hit me hard. I had my first seizure at home when Amy was there to call 911. (Granted, it was the first one and she thought I was dying. My first words after snapping out of it was to ask for clothes. Get your mind out of the gutter, I was hot before I laid down.)
The second one happened while preparing for a Halloween party in Allston. Luckily there were many people around, including my friend Mark who was sitting next to me at the time. It affected him more than I'll ever know. A few weeks ago I opted to stay in the car when everyone else went in Dunks to get coffee. A few minutes later he came out to the car and sat and talked with me while we waited for the others. I would do the same thing if I watched my friend have a seizure and he was all alone somewhere.
The third one is my favorite by far. I was alone in bed. Amy called and I answered sounding dazed. Then I explained I thought I had a seizure. We could tell by the bite marks from where I chomped down on my tongue. I was also very tired. No need to call the EMTs. (Which is why it was my favorite. No drama!)
The good part about number 4 is that I don't remember it. I remember the EMTs asking me questions in the ambulance that I of course didn't know. Hard ones such as, what is your last name? They got my wallet out while I was still out of it so they knew I lived in Lowell. (Or I could have handed it to them while hopping around like a bunny. I wouldn't remember if I did.) My guess is they ran my name at both hospitals because they brought me to the one with my files.
The point of this is, I finally broke down (emotionally) and got a medical ID bracelet. My mother has been bugging me to get one since the first time it happened. I had to get a petite sized one because I have a small wrist. The best part is they assume anyone identifying themselves as a man wouldn't have wrists this small, so I had to say the bracelet was for a boy. My options were boy, woman, girl.
It came in the mail yesterday and I do feel better having one, even though I joke that it's like having a dog collar.

Today is the day

Today is the day I start blogging everyday. I'm determined to get into a routine. Some days will chronicle more. Others may be a sentence or two. I'll start my goal at one month. If I am ever in a situation where I don't have access to a computer for 24 hours...well, let's hope my phone can access this site.

Oh, hey month I let pass by, what's up?

I said I was going to update more often, didn't I?
Hmm. I'll have to work on that.

I had my 4th seizure in 15 months on Wednesday. The irony is I was headed into Boston for a last minute doctor's appointment. My back and hip had been bothering me. My doctor was out of the office so I was scheduled to see someone else in his office.

I was on the Lowell/Boston train drinking an iced coffee and listening to my ipod. I remember finishing the coffee and (maybe?) leaning against the side after passing the North Billerica stop. The next thing I remember, I'm completely strapped into an ambulance. I can hear the sirens but it takes me awhile to place everything. I'm always amazed at how calm I am when I don't know anything. They always ask the simplest questions, ones I know I should know but I don't at that moment.
I even said I lived at the address of our old apartment!!
When I was still out they checked my wallet for my address I ended up at Saints Medical in Lowell. As soon as I was feeling a little more myself I texted Amy and her co-worker so she would know what happened. She got to the hospital quickly. The doctor raised the dose of my seizure meds and off I went - with a nice gash on my face most likely caused by my nails, and bumps and bruises.

We like to party, we like, we like to party!

Saturday night our friend Dan and his two brothers hosted a party. It was a house warming for Randy, Dan's boyfriend, who recently moved in with him. Or, that's how it was on paper. In actuality it was a crazy house party complete with an ice luge, bon fire, and kickin' tunes.

You may be asking: Ice luge? WTH is an ice luge? That's okay, friend. I didn't know, either. If you have experienced one of these marvels of the modern world, ignore the following link. How to Make an Party Ice Luge

It took Dan, his brothers, and Randy to carry it to and from the car. They were estimating it was 100+ lbs of ice. At one point I was lifting it and someone else would pour the shop down the luge to the waiting person at the other end. The three shots available were: Redheaded Slut, Purple Hooters, and 2000 Flushes. The next day we heard one person threw up in the car on the way home. It's okay, his wife was driving.

The last party we had I drank a little too much, ended up on video dancing (that went viral in at least one friends office), thought I was alright enough to take my handful of night pills, and threw up in various locations.

This time I drank a few smaller cups of the house punch that tasted like a Shirley Temple with a kick, 3 beers, and I did the ice luge twice... well, to the best of my knowledge. However this time I was drinking water between drinking alcohol. I went through at least 3 poland spring bottles. At one point my friend Mark told me to stop drinking water because it would increase the amount of times I would be running to the bathroom. He was right, but my water plan was successful. While everyone else had the spins and were passed out on the floor, I was able to text a friend to make sure she got home safe, take my night pills without fear of a reaction, and wake up unscathed from a hangover. But I did use the bathroom probably 6 or 7 times during the night in which I had to slide off the couch, avoid knocking over a lamp, find the wall for balance and placement, negotiate foot placement as not to crush Jessica's head, and when I was done do it all in reverse.

I did have a dream that is worth noting. Since I was a child if I'm sleeping when I have to sue the bathroom I usually dream of looking for a bathroom and either not finding one or finding one but without a toilet. When I was younger I would find the toilet and when I woke up my bed was wet. One of my most vivid memories of being 3 years old! This time I was looking for the bathroom and whenever I found a sign it led me to an empty office. At some point I realized I was late for an audition. When I got there someone tossed me my trumpet case that I had in middle school and I waited in line for the audition. When it was my turn something happened. I probably started looking for the bathroom again. When I woke up the sheet music in my dream was stuck in my head - it was the third movement of the Hummel trumpet concerto, the one I never mastered 9 years ago. It's funny how these things find ways to pop up.

It is true what you have heard

I'm back!

I know I've said it before, maybe even with conviction, but this time it's the truth.
To my small but mighty group of followers, I thank you for bearing with me and coming back time and again.


To those who are new, WELCOME!


Before we move forward there is a disclaimer:
I'm a transexual. *gasp*


That's right, folks. You've heard it here LIVE. I was born and raised female and began the road to transition 4 years ago. If this offends you I advise you to stop reading. The earlier posts are all about the transition process with doses of comedy and tragedy thrown into the pot.

I'm not offended by questions and I will answer them to the best of my ability.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way - to the Blogmobile! ...err... apparently that is already taken.

Anyway.

I haven't come up with a MASTERPLAN *insert diabolical laugh* as of this post, but I hope to in the near future.


The Blogosphere, as it is called, has erupted in the past 10 years. There are blogs about everything and everyone. I'm surprised my cats don't have blogs.

What will make this blog different then all the other ones out there? It's about me! My life, my journey, and experiences I see through my eyes.

I invite you to come with me on this journey and to experience my life as only I can. Well, as a visitor. Because only I can see what I see as me.

May flowers

Currently it is 52 degrees, windy with clouds. My May flowers do not like this much. I had to take them in a few nights ago because we were under a frost advisory. My mother bought us the Sensational Strawberry something Bag which is a fancy name for a Topsy Turvy rip-off. I'm having serious doubts about harvesting happy, healthy strawberries. When the weather is nicer I will try and pack the soil in a little tighter. Instead of being a pessimist I at least need to be able to say I tried my best to the lady when she is crestfallen about the lack of fresh strawberries on the porch.

I went to the doctors on Monday. It's exciting that there is nothing new to say. Lupus seems to be laying low, my back isn't bothering me as much (which is great, because it's been nearly a year since the fracture), I'm transferring my neurologist to BIDMCs epilepsy clinic so all my doctors will be in one system and be able to communicate freely. My doctor is also looking into guidelines for medication I may need for the dentist due to my heart murmur. According to a rash I got when I was little when I happened to be on amoxicillan, I am "allergic" to it and will need something else. My teeth are in bad shape and it's making me nervous. I think it's also all the talk about how dental health has a huge impact on your overall health. I don't want my dental problems to play any part in my ill health. That would make me feel dumb. My major concern is a tooth that is basically missing one complete side. I'm afraid it might have to be removed. I also stopped going to the dentist before my wisdom teeth were checked out. I'm assuming they are impacted. The overall state of my mouth is not well, although I do brush twice a day. I fear, however, it is too little too late.

We had a conversation about my ADHD and if I started taking the meds again. It was thought by the neurologist that the adderell might have had a part in my seizure activity. My doctor scoffed at that but erred on the side of caution. With his blessing I started taking it again and haven't had any seizures. That's great. We also discussed how I spend my day. He asked me if I was isolated, and I explained that I didn't go out much and I enjoyed spending time alone. He agreed that if I'm okay with it then it's fine. I have no problem hanging out with others and having a good time. But with my health it's hard to tell if I'll feel up to going out, so it's almost impossible to make plans. This does sometimes make me a little awkward in groups. I hope I don't become that socially awkward guy that people gravitate away from!

My ADHD medication makes me feel motivated. It's hard to explain, but it's a driving force deep inside of me. I can feel it mostly in my throat because it's very much like the pang a smoker gets when they are craving a cigarette. Which explains why I smoked so much in college. Now that I don't smoke I have to be careful because if I allow it I am driven to do everything I can for hours on end. One day I cleaned the entire house. But then I am exhausted and am useless for the next day or so. I'm making a commitment to myself to find a healthy way of stabilizing a schedule so I feel accomplished but aren't completely diminished.

I have no idea if any of this makes sense. Be well, all!

The winds of change

When I woke up this morning I assumed the weather person led me astray on last night's newscast. I was freezing. After (begrudgingly) getting out of bed and opening all the windows it began to warm up. The cats were more confused by the hot weather than I, one who saw the news, of course. They laid against the walls like sloths. There was even food left in their bowls after dinnertime.

We assumed once we moved into a (much) bigger place the cats would go off exploring, sleeping, attacking, and whatever else cats do on their own. We talked about not being able to find them and "adjusting" to not seeing them so often anymore.

Yeah. About that.

Right now Porkchop is sitting on a piece of furniture next to me stretched out and sleepy. I'm guessing Io is sleeping on the bed with her Mommy. Oh, we also said there would be a strict No Cats in the Bedroom rule. You try listening to cats crying as if they were stuck in the vet's office for hours while sticking the pillow as far into your ears as possible and praying that they don't scratch up the rug completely. A wise woman (my girlfriend's sister) once said they are this way because we coddle them. Okay, it's true. But I think we coddle Io in fear. She's mean to everyone else but us and tends to do bad things on the floor when she doesn't get her way. But (for the most part) as long as they are fed and have clean litter (and clean water, but that's another story for another day) they are very nice cats. Oh, and Porkchop is afraid of everything. If you came and visited us you wouldn't see him and at the vet he pretends he doesn't have any bones. Comical.

I didn't intend on writing about my cats when I logged in. It's the lack of knowing what to write about that led me here. Is that how people become crazy cat ladies? I mean the really crazy ones with 30 cats that leave all their possessions and money to them in their Will. Does something finally snap inside them from years of not knowing what to do? In what, you might ask? I don't know, anything. In life, in the supermarket, hopefully not in the bathroom.

I wonder if people think too much about what they should be doing and get buried under their own expectations. It's hard to give yourself permission to be happy. It's always about pleasing others and never about pleasing yourself. Let me try and take this one step further. You've gotten into a routine for years, and years, and years and something finally changes that routine. Like for instance, you lose your job, you lose your spouse, or even a kid goes to college. What do you do when you finally can mold your life into what you want? Panic.

Why is it so hard for us to move on? My mother is a perfect example. She insists on keeping everything that belonged to my grandmother and great-grandmother and using them for what they were meant to be used. The woman has THREE dressers and both of their licenses. She does things in their memory, but not in the normal way. I'm not insinuating that if you do something in memory of a loved one it's weird. I just think there comes a point in our lives that we have to live for us, do things for us, and let ourselves be happy.

My intense love for music bubbled to the surface recently. I've done a good job at keeping it down for years. I even toyed with selling my trumpet. But one day I came up to the office, took out my old guitar, and laid on the floor with it. The calluses are gone on my fingers but I played anyway. A few days later I checked around the internet for a new guitar. Eventually I will buy a new one. Yesterday I took out my massive book of CDs and put Greatest Hits - Trumpent and Classic Wynton Marsalis on my laptop. Before listening to anything else I skipped to the three movements of the Hummel Trumpet Concerto. I was a senior in high school and determined to play all three movements at my recital. I'd been playing the Hummel for some time, probably even performing the first or the second movement. But never all three at once. I was going I do it. I was ready.

And on the day we auditioned for my music teacher, the third movement, Rondo, fell apart. I couldn't play it anymore. The consensus was I tried too hard and practiced too long and my body just couldn't keep up. I was devastated. I don't think I ever told anyone and just went on with it. It's been at least 8 years since I played and listening to it again brought back happiness. Not memories, just happiness. I was the kid listening to classical music sans words and singing along. Something my right hand phantom plays the fingerings.

It's along the lines of the Catholic Church when they mentor sinners: Let God into your heart. Maybe I need to let the music pour into my heart. Perhaps that's what I've needed all along.

LIVE via satellite!

That's right, folks, I'm at the Pollard Memorial Library in good ole Lowell, Massachusetts. I didn't feel like lugging around my laptop so I'm using a library computer. They got new flat screen monitors so there is a stack of old tube monitors behind me. Hopefully they'll be recycled.

I was waiting for the bathroom key and overheard two librarians talking about "a couple crammed in an alcove by the staircase." They were discussing how people nowadays don't have any respect for those around them and don't care who sees. This got me thinking about when I was in high school. The music wing was technically part of the middle school but really existed on it's own peninsula. There were 4 bathrooms: men's, women's, men teachers, and women teachers. The teachers bathroom's were one-stallers that locked. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand what I'm getting at. At least we had the decency to lock the door behind us. And the music practice rooms locked as well. However the main music room didn't, resulting in a near miss. Anyway.

I've been on a J.D. Salinger kick. I re-read Catcher in the Rye and read Franny and Zooey. I'm currently waiting for 2 or 3 more titles I didn't know existed to be available from the library. I'm sure there is more and if I get really crazy I'll find them. I enjoy his work immensely. It gets me thinking about how I was almost a writer. I guess almost is a sad word to use. I guess if I put my mind to it (and maybe took some amphetamines to keep my rabid ADHD in check)I could get back to being a writer. For now I'm content to think. I think a lot. By the time I get to a notebook the thought is gone. So for now I kinda have to be content with thinking because thinking is all I've got.

Way to get all deep there, kiddo.

I've also been really into jelly beans. When we were shopping for our new living room furniture at Bob's I'd wear cargo pants that were too big just so I could stuff the pockets with free packages of jelly beans. They are known as the Jelly Bean Pants. Now that we've bought furniture and are waiting for it to be delivered I am donating my pants. Today I bought a bag on sale at CVS for 88 cents. As a kid I wasn't too fond of regular jelly beans. I was a jelly bean elitist, only eating jelly belly or jolly rancher beans. Last year I started actually enjoying the cheap store brand variety. What's not to like about chewy sugar coated in sugar? Try them with cheese nips. It's a new kind of trail mix. More like a sit-in-front-of-the-television mix.

My computer just told me to save my work because my time is almost up. I am going to do just that. Be well.

Holy moly, I'm following through!

As promised, a new post. Hello new and old followers of my blog! I think the first entry of this blog is from June 2007 when I first began taking testosterone for my transition from female to male. If that bothers you, I suggest you stop reading now. I have many medical issues, the most destructive to my writing being severe ADHD. I have the attention span of a fruit fly. So bear with me if I'm talking about a television show and suddenly you're reading about a tasty burger I consumed. I'll try my best but I won't promise anything. I like to think that if I go back and edit I'll lose the essence of what I was trying to convey in the first place. Yes, I have my BA in English. No, I don't often use it. But I do use proper grammar, unless I'm feeling particularly modern.

This weekend I met my girlfriend in New York to visit her family and see The Phantom of the Opera. When let loose, I'm a musical freak so this was quite an exciting venture. Thursday night I was completely packed and had everything set for the next morning in which I would call a taxi at 4:30am, take the 5:35am train into Boston, take the T from North Station to South Station, board the 8am Fung Wah bus, arrive in Chinatown and take the subway and hopefully board a 1pm ferry. Woah.

For that reason I laid down in bed at 8pm. At 9:30pm, still awake, my mother texted me because she works third shift and, really, what 26 year old do you know who is in bed at that time? I think I fell asleep around 10pm only to wake up at 12am to use the bathroom. And again at 2am. After that I couldn't get back to sleep. I stayed in bed until 3:45am and finally succumbed to my fate. I was thankful to myself for deciding to set the coffee timer the night before. I had a breakfast of Tasteos (Market Basket Honey Nut Cherrios), coffee, and made sure the cats had enough food and water. I wouldn't let myself call the taxi until 4:30am because I didn't want to get to the train station way early. I even showed my cat the time on the phone to prove i wasn't cheating. The cab driver said he'd be there in 5 minutes. I hurried up and grabbed my stuff, ran down the stairs, and locked both doors. And then I waited. And waited. At one point I was staring off into space - but it turned out I was staring into a woman's house. I figured that out when we made eye contact. Oops. Finally I was getting nervous so I checked my phone. 1 missed call. Awesome. I called the cab driver back:

Driver: "A1 taxi services"
Me: "Hi, I got a missed call from you, I called about 20 minutes ago?"
Driver: "Oh yeah, I couldn't get to you. There is a police barricade around the street. I tried another way but it's all blocked off."
Me: "Uh... okay. Do you know where I can walk to in order to get to you?"
Driver: "I don't know. I'm already gone, I got other things to do."
Me: "Okay, thank you."

It's 4:48am and I'm walking down a dark, tree-lined road that is barricaded by police cars saying outloud, "Of course! Of course!" I thought that if I had a phone that could access the internet my facebook status would have said "FML." My best idea was to walk as far as I had to in order to get away from the barricade. I started running for a split second and decided that was a terrible idea. I have bad joints and a bad back. While I was walking I had my cellphone clutched in my hand and I thought, "Yeah that's smart, if someone jumps out at you what are you going to do, bash them with your phone?" I also wasn't sure why there were police around and why the street was blocked off. So then I convinced myself there was a serial killer on the loose. I finally find the end of the barricade about .4 miles away. I call another cab company that I just happened to have saved in my phone. The dispatcher seemed concerned that I was outside in the cold on a random street near a police barricade. He said someone would be there soon. While I waited I paced back and forth to keep warm and because my balance is bad I kept tripping over my feet. I also was talking to myself. I think because it was dark and cold and no one was around. It was a little frightening. Finally the cab driver picked me up told me crazy stories of being a cab driver. I made my 5:35am train. It was quite an experience, especially since I ended up being up for 21 hours that day.

We saw Phantom on Saturday night. I love the bright colors of NYC. I could do without the tourists, however. They are loud and annoying and never know where they are going. No, I'm not a native New Yorker, but I like to think I have a little sense. The show was fantastic. Our seats were 4 rows from the stage. It was amazing! Although at the end when there were a little pyrotechnics and pop guns I did freak out a little. The noises made me jump and I got paranoid that the flashes would give me a seizure. I've had three seizures since June and no one is really sure why, so I get a little nervous. After the show we went to Juniors for cheesecake. While we were waiting, Tracy Morgan walked in. It was funny, because I was sitting there and then I was like, "UMMMMM..." It was the type of um that made my girlfriend instantly look up. She's a repeater, so she kept on saying, "Tracy Morgan! Tracy Morgan!" Luckily it was a whisper so no one heard us. We saw him a bunch of times because the place wasn't very big. Now I don't even like Tracy Morgan, but it was just the thrill of seeing a celebrity in public. And it makes a good story. Well, off to take another bus! The joys of public transportation for life. I <3 my health ;P Be well, all :) More to come soon!

(Another) New Beginning

This weekend I realized I missed blogging. It's always been a place to get my feelings out or get up on my soap box. I almost typed soup box. Oh dear.

Anyway, starting tomorrow I'll update with a (hopefully) meaningful post and try to update in a timely manner from here on out.

Yay!