6 months

When I first started taking T I thought of 6 months as really far away. Today marks my 6 monthiversary and I'm def happy with the results so far. Yesterday I noticed that my sideburns are beginning to grow in. I was told that I'm not as awkward anymore, as if I've grown into my face.

I went to the walk-in clinic on Thursday because I've had a cold for over a month and the chest pain was getting too much. On my paper hospital bracelet I'm identified as male. It's not often that I get to see my name next to a M. It was nice. The nurse said I looked too young to be 24, she said I was just a baby. I told the doctor that I was taking testosterone. He asked for what, and I said for hormone replacement therapy. He just nodded and continued on without even blinking. Then I had to go in for chest x-rays. The x-ray tech told me that I would have to take off my chain and my shirt. So I took off my chain and just stood there.

Nurse: Ok, just take off your shirt.
Me: Uh,...I can't leave it on?
Nurse: No...

Nurse: Do you want a johnny?
Me: Yes.

So I took off my t-shirt and put the johnny on, trying to conceal my binder underneath.

Nurse: You aren't wearing anything under this, are you?
Me: I am.
Nurse: Everything has to be off under the johnny

So I went back to the dressing area and took off my binder. I slouched for the x-rays, except when I had to lift my arms over my head. Luckily she either didn't notice anything out of the ordinary or just didn't say anything.

The doctor said he saw bronchitis but didn't see any pneumonia, gave me a prescription for antibiotics, and I was on my way. Not 10 minutes later I get a voicemail from him, so I call him back. Apparently the radiologist took a look at my x-rays and I did indeed have pneumonia. He said the antibiotics should still be fine.

So here I am on my 6 month happy day of t greatness laying on the couch unable to sleep because my lungs are filled spitting up mucus and blood. ;P

The best part is that I was so stressed about the x-ray/binder issue that I forgot to pick up my chain after I was done. May my favorite piece of jewelry RIP.

I'll post voice clips and more pics once I don't look and sound like death. I hope everyone had a great holiday season and are looking forward to a new year!

New voice clip

New voice clip here

Society and the stupid people that live in it

I was waiting for the bus after work a few days ago. It was cold and the bus was late. There were about 7 people waiting in the little bus shelter thing talking amongst themselves.
Story #1 - From what I picked up from bits of conversations and cell phone dialogue, one woman (probably in her mid-twenties) was with a friend of hers taking the bus to pick up drugs. Her boyfriend was a man she had met on a chatline and had taken the greyhound bus from New Jersey to see her. He was at her house picking her 2 year old daughter up off the bus. The bus company called her and said that someone was trying to get her daughter off the bus and they needed her to authorize it. She was upset that she had to call them and give authorization. First of all, why are you waiting in the cold to take a bus to get drugs when you should be at home getting your 2 year old off the bus? And secondly, shouldn't you be happy trhat the bus won't just give your kid to any random stranger? I won't even touch the boyfriend from the internet piece.

Story #2 - While we are waiting, a man (probably in his mid-late twenties) comes over to ask which bus we are waiting for then he leaves. Due to his incredibly feminine voice and mannerisms it can be assumed trhat he is gay. The man next to me (40s, big man in sweatpants) calls the kid a fag. The girl from the previous story says that she knows him and he is, indeed, gay. So the guy next to me calls him a fudge packer, says he must take the hershey way. And if that wasn't enough, he says, "I hate fags. I fucking hate fags." And the girl agrees with him. So he goes on saying how much he hates fags, and I'm just sitting next to him biting my tongue. No one else says anything and I mean, what can you say? Excuse me, Mr. Man, but that isn't really nice of you. I guess I was living with a false sense that people weren't really like this and it bothered me.

Back in the day

Getting a second job was the best thing my mother ever did for me. Today she's at work 12-5 then we're heading over to my grandfather's for his open house party thing. I found something I wrote spring break of 2003 when a bunch of us attended the True Colors Conference. (I'm almost positive about the date but I could be off. I know I was a sophomore in college, so I was probably just short of turning 20)

How can you know me when I don't know myself and fear that I never will
I'm in a deep, dark cave with no light shining from above or even from below
What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet but names are gender specific
I don't want to place a name on myself for fear that a name is just another label that I am not ready to apply to myself. I came out of the closet only to walk back in and lock the door behind me, staring at old clothing hanging lifelessly. I fear Fear itself and everything that can came with being petrified of
WHO I AM
The whole point of coming to the conference was to attend trans discussions and try to find out my identity. I'm too scared to even do to discussions about transgenderism. I don't want to be alone right now even though I am not alone and am surrounded by people. To others I am being anti-social. To myself I am being anti-everything. Even thoughts of anti-life have entered my mind. Confusion muddles my brain. How can I live my life if I do not know who I am. This is not typical teenage identify crisis.
WHO AM I
The words are blurred as tears enter my eyes. Shame, embarrassment. Do I know who I am but am too scared to admit my gender deformity to myself? How afraid of other reactions am I? I search my soul to find answers to my questions. How can I look around and not see anyone confused as I? How is it that others can keep it to themselves without showing a face of remorse and pain? I envy those who know their sexuality and are comfortable with how others perceive them.
AM I WHO YOU SEE?
Then enlighten me.



Wow. Even reading that now shakes me up a bit. This spring will mark 5 years since I wrote that and looking back makes me see how far I've come.

I tried to make a new voice clip but apparently this computer doesn't have a microphone ;p

W0rd

A visit home

This weekend I'm in Worcester visiting my mother. Luckily for me she's working 3-7 tonight. I've already made cookies and I'm about to go rake leaves. I finally broke down and bought new headphones and a skin for Pod-o. I was a little disgusted at myself at how dirty I've let the white parts of my I-Pod get (the rest of it is silver - that was pretty dirty as well.) so now it has a nice black skin. The headphone I got are white which is taking a little getting used to. I'm just glad I have my music back.
I had my therapist appointment in Boston today. I talked a lot about wanting to write book someday, something that other trans men in positions similar to mine can relate to. I also talked about wanting to be a speaker someday and my therapist seemed really interested in my potential as a trans educator. W0rd.
I think I fell asleep on the train from South Station to Worcester, either that or i just zoned out with my eyes closed for half an hour. I started my day at 6:10am and didn't take any adderell so I was wiped out.
I should get to the raking before it gets dark.
I posted a picture from about 13 months ago. My skin was so much clearer! ;)

Living in a man's world

Over the past few weeks I've noticed the female features of my face almost just melting away. I know that sounds strange, but I don't know how else to describe it. I also noticed this morning that the area around my chin/under my lip/under my chin is beginning to sprout hairs. Pretty cool. My mustache is also continuing to get darker and more pronounced.

Yesterday at work I ran into a supervisor I hadn't seen in awhile. He said hi and, in true man fashion, pounded me in the chest. Luckily for me he hit the dead center and it was a complete non-incident. However, it reinforces my feeling of passing 100%.

My grandfather is throwing a party/open house Saturday so I will be venturing home on Friday after my appointment in Boston. Which means I get to visit my favorite men's room in South Station.

Speaking of bathrooms, I don't think I've mentioned my love for peeing standing up. I use the Mango product. A lot of guys have issues with it because it takes a really long time for it to be mailed/arrive, the tube slips out a lot, and for the price neither of these things should be an issue. I too have issues with the tube slipping out but I've gotten used to putting it back in with a pencil. I also am unable to pee directly through the fly and have to unzip my pants, but let me tell you - it's worth it. I love peening standing up so much that I think sitting down is a waste of time. Granted I don't actually pee standing up often, usually only when I'm out and sometimes (like this past week) I'm too lazy to put the tube in and just pack without it. I find the harness that can also be bought from the same site works well, although for cheaper someone could totally make their own.

At some point I need to invest in new binders. I've been wearing the same ones for over a year now. I have 2 that fit me really well (which is funny because when I got them they were too small so I had to cut out a layer) and 3 that are now a little too big. I only wear those when I'm in for the night or just bumming around the house. Most of my clothes are too big as well so the binders will have to come after new pants.

I realized awhile ago that I never did a post about what I do on a daily basis to be me. So, there you have it! Binding, packing, and a smile on my face =)

Searching for a new beginning

Sometime back in June (I think) I submitted a letter to the management of UPS to be considered for a part time supervisor position. About three months ago I finally heard back from them in the form of an informal HR session that basically just laid out what we were applying for and how that happened. Then I heard nothing, yet again. Until last Monday, in which my supervisor had me sign all the paperwork so I could take the assessment test. I took the test on Thursday. The test was comprised of some basic math questions (all percentages) questions about prior experience and your personality. It was all multiple choice, although some of the questions left me thinking, "I wouldn't do any of those..." Anyway, it was all pretty straight forward and I couldn't imagine not passing it. I received a letter in the mail yesterday that started with, "Thank you for applying for a management position at UPS. At this time, however, based on our assessment process, there does not appear to be a match between your skills and abilities and UPS's needs." My favorite part of it is, "If you are interested in re-applying for consideration for part-time management positions, the timeframe for re-application is six months from the day of your underqualification."

Yes. That's right. They are telling ME that I am underqualified for a PART TIME supervisor position at UPS. As much as I want to laugh in their faces, I think this is exactly what I needed. I feel floored and ready to (really this time) start searching for a real job. I'm looking for a full time administrative job in a college or university. I miss the university atmosphere and, as weird as this sounds, I miss doing office work. I miss using me brain instead of brawn, I miss conversations with educated people, and I miss being happy at my job.

I'm scared and anxious to begin this hunt but I also know it is good for me to finally understand that I have talents and qualifications that are going to waste. Also, I need the money like woah.

I hung the rejection letter on the wall by my desk. I got the idea from Stephen King. When he was younger and first starting to send out his work, he hung all his rejection letters on a nail. Eventually he had so many he had to replace the nail with a metal spike. If that's what it takes to get me moving, then we'll try it. I mean, really. I'll try almost anything once ;)

Back by popular demand!

Happy Halloween! I have made a pact with myself to avoid getting scared and screaming like a pussy girl.

We all know I have minimal control over that ;P Like the greeter dressed as a witch in wal-mart... *shivers*

I received two demands for an update, and I apologize to those parties for my tardiness.

Part of the reason I haven't updated is that changes are slow. Facial/body hair is still coming in but it's the type of thing that you don't notice it unless you're looking for it. I went to see my mother last night and she made a comment about my facial hair and my voice changing. Nothing bad, just that she noticed it. That's a start. My mustache is now unmistakable and I'm shaving off my chin hairs once a week. (Or should be, I'm slow with that, too!)

I did have one this happen last Thursday that is worth mentioning. Every other Thursday I self inject 200 ml of testosterone into my thigh muscle. The last dose was shot #4 that I have done at home. I got everything ready, stuck the needle and... got a little resistance. Ah well, I thought, and pushed harder. That's when I hit a vein. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a volcano of blood erupted from my leg. (For once I'm not being dramatic.) I scrambled for paper towels and more band-aids. Luckily after the volcano it didn't bleed much more.

Obviously I pulled the needle out and found another area in which to inject. Un fortunately by this time my muscle is so tense that I have a hard time getting the needle in. After trying in the new spot, I give up, pull the needle out, and switch legs. The third time was a charm and I successfully got my T injected. I have always been afraid that I would hit a vein and not realize it, inject the T and stop my heart. I'm glad I know now that if I hit a vein it's pretty obvious.

I pass 100% of the time now. I think it also helps that my debit card says Sean. I used to hate using it before I changed my name on my bank because the damn debit card gave me away every time. I haven't cried for the entire 4 months I've been on T. I get angry instead. I think if I wasn't such a nice guy I'd be a complete asshole.

I'm opening this up to the rest of the class. Is there something my loyal readers want to hear about? A long monologue about gender, society, mantown, etc? I'm sure there are things that I do on a daily basis or encounter that I have gotten used to and don't see as something to report, but perhaps are notable or at least interesting to you. Just leave me a comment and I will do my best to respond in a timely manner. (This also means more frequent updates. Yahoo!)

A few days ago I added a new track on the soundboard. The link is in a previous post.

The Voice! It CHANGES!

http://soundboard.com/sb/seanie314.aspx

I couldn't get it to embed so here is the next best thing!

Hair there and everywhere

I've been on T for 3 months and my body hair is EXPLODING. Not literally, that might hurt. Before the T I wasn't hairy at all so it's easier to notice. My leg hair is completely filling in and growing up over my knee up to my thighs and beyond. I did my spot yesterday and for the first time when I ripped my bandaid off hair came with it. Little hairs are also starting to appear on my back, stomach, chest, and under my chin. I was so afraid that I wouldn't grow any hair, now it's apparent that I am going to be one hairy bastard.

I'm working on getting a soundboard on here to document my voice change.

11 weeks

I don't like waiting this long between posts because I never know what to begin with.

I'll start with the great testosterone debacle of 2007.

In my last entry I told the tale of my first self injection. That same day I dropped off my prescription for syringes and testosterone at CVS. They told me it had to be approved by the insurance company and to do this the doctor would have to call them. The Pharmacists said they would take care of it. So I went home and waited.

And waited. I get a call around a week later saying my prescription was ready. I beeline it down to CVS only to discover the testosterone is still awaiting approval, but the syringes are ready to go. I left empty handed because, really, what good are needles without the T? I tried again a few days later. Nothing. Frustrated, I call the nurse at my doctor's office, leave her a message explaining the situation. In the meantime I begin to panic because my shot is due at the end of the week and still no T. I make an appointment with the receptionist just in case. Later that afternoon I get a voice mail from the nurse telling me that the insurance company was having a problem with their computers and it should be fixed by the end of the day and someone from CVS will call me. Phew. I cancel my appointment. This is Wednesday, my shot is due sometime Thursday/Friday.

By Monday I have finally had it and I call the nurse back, leaving another voice mail asking if I should make an appointment because I am now late. Tuesday I get a voice mail back saying that she called the insurance company, the CVS I used, and the prescription was promised for that afternoon. HOORAY!!!!!

Later that night I picked up the prescription (I had already grabbed the syringes during a previous visit because I know CVS only holds them for 2 weeks.)

So now 5 days late and super excited to have the vial in my hands, I began the task of self-injection. During administration there is a little pain (needle + skin (muscle) = :O ) but nothing compared to the pain in my leg the next day ( or when the cat jumped on it.)

Today marks the 11th week I've been on T. I've been told that a lot of guys get frustrated waiting for changes to happen. It's not that I' m not in a hurry, I am just realistic about the whole thing. I let myself get excited about little things like chin hair and try to sit back and enjoy the journey.

11 weeks

• I believe menstruation has ceased for good. Hooray!
• Noticing changes in body shape, especially in the face (jaw line) and shoulders (broader)
• Arms/legs more muscular
• Signs of hair growth beginning on chest
• Increase in facial hair. Above lip growing in nicely and reappears a few days after shaving. Chin hair starting to come in as well as hair along the sides of face.
• Noticing leg/arm hair growing in
• Mood changes noticed: Less emotional, more easily aggravated. Need more sleep than before or become a miserable demon ;P
• Loss of weight.
• Acne, and lots of it.

I'm beginning to pass easier than before. I can only think of one time recently that I was referred to as she (we don't count my mother) and it was an old lady with painted on eyebrows at the racetrack. Another lady at the racetrack said I looked younger than her 16 year old son. I friend I hadn't seen in two months couldn't get over how manly I looked, and my grandfather's girlfriend said I looked more like a boy when she saw me last week than I did a month ago. Yesterday I was called Sir on the phone. One thing that is setting me back is the rash I get on my face around my cheeks. I've been able to get it a lot better than it was but rosy cheeks still mark me as female.

Pictures

2 Month update

I recently passed my testosterone two monthiversary. Last Thursday I went into Boston for my shot before work because on Friday I had plans to go to the Cape with my dear old mother. I told the nurse I wanted to learn how to self inject and after I drew up the dose I did just that. I must say I was extremely nervous because I had never plunged a needle into my body before that. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. She said everything was perfect and asked if I wanted to come back in two weeks and do it for her one more time or if I just wanted to do it myself. That's right, I now have a perscription for testosterone and cooresponding needles waiting for me at CVS. She also made me a little bag with bandaids, gauze pads, and alcohol wipes so I'd be ready to go.

Friday morning bright and early my mother, whom we will refer to as Janet because it's much funnier, showed up for our weekend on the cape. I'm learning to deal with her a little better - sometimes I just need to let her talk and grunt a yes or no if she's looking for it. I'm not sure what she thinks testosterone is going to do to me, but she's voiced her opinion that she doesn't like it and is skeptical of my doctor. Most of this is because she doesn't know my doctor and all of this is really out of her comfort zone. She thinks my armpit hair is grow and told me I was flaunting it. ( I was in the hotel room wearing my binder and a beater. Sometimes you gotta raise your arms up!) She asked if hair was going to grow and if I was going to have to shave, in which she ended up feeling the stubble above my lip and said it was gross.

She asked me why I would want facial hair, and then she kind of answered her own question by saying, "Well I guess with this you can't pick and choose." So I'm not sure if she thinks I just want to look like a boy because as many times as we've been over this there seems to be some sort of a disconnect between what she thinks and what's really happening. I'll be interested to see what happens when my voice drops and the hair really starts coming in. She is getting better at not outting me in public - she refered to me as her son in front of a stranger. We joke around now about Sarah being my sister, so if she slips and calls me that I simply say, we didn't bring my sister along.

On a separate yet related note, I need to start looking for a new job. I applied to be a supervisor where I work however they are so slow that at this rate I'll be a Sup in 2013. I'm nervous because Sean has one reference and I know I need more than that. Sarah has plenty, but my sister is currently and forever unemployed.

I'll update again soon with pics, my browser is not allowing me to post at this moment.

8-13-07

Well hello there!

Due to a recent computer crash, I was unable to update for the past two weeks. No computers were hurt in this process, she just took a long nap.

I've been on testosterone for 6 weeks and just got my first shot of the full 200 ml dose on Friday. I feel like I have been passing easier lately. I first noticed this on Friday when I was visiting my mother. We ran into two people she knew at two separate times (they didn't know me) and they both said, "Oh! This must be your son!" People never used to be as confident in pinpointing my gender. The funny part about all this is that my mother still uses female pronouns and refers to her "daughter." I'm convinced people just assume I have a sister.

I've had some prominent hair growth above my lip. I shaved it last night and I can already see them poking through again. I didn't think I had any hair on my chin until one was ripped out for me to prove it. I am now a believer!

I'm off to CVS to pick up my face creme perscription so hopefully when I take my 2 month pics my face won't be so damn red!

1 month on T

7/28/07

After my therapist appointment yesterday I had 4 and a half hours to kill before my appointment with Kevin for the T, so I bought a notebook and chilled in the Pru food court. Below is the contents of said notebook:

10:32 am 7/27/07

I had a long rant about slow walkers getting off the train, but the moment has passed and it sounds boring. That was a good story.

I just got off the phone with a woman from the commonwealth cares program from MassHealth. I called to pick a plan, one recommended to me (well, two were recommended out of 4 plans by someone who works at fenway and I blindly chose 1) and got ma'am ed. Obviously it bothered me if I'm writing it down. (Sidetracked: I'm in the Pru food court and HOLY SHIT does the Chinese food smell amazing.) It sucks that my gender is listed as female. Changing a name only tips off so many people. I wonder if it will change when my voice drops? Speaking of medical coverage (I mean, who isn't? It's really a crowd pleaser alongside chips and dip) I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday because my ankle was swollen. I was a little shocked (okay, a lot) that every question on a normal "new person" sign-in sheet was there - except one. Nowhere on the paper were two letters, one of which I was supposed to circle.

Am I so used to living in a binary society of male and female that when faced with NOT identifying myself as either/or I'm unnerved? Logically I would think I would be overjoyed by this prospect, yet the 1984/Brave New World mentality of belonging to a predestined caste (m or f) leaves me feeling alone and exposed when I deviate from the norm.

And if the medical problem was not my ankle but was a notoriously female part of my anatomy, or a problem in which said anatomy may be exposed, would I even have gone in the first place?

How many FTMs have faced, and will continue to face death at the hands of breast cancer, ovarian cancer and other diseases because they are too uncomfortable with living between the m and f to seek treatment?

I try not to talk about the slight almost non-existent growth of my facial/body hair because it's boring. I remember reading in Just Add Hormones a section where he states friends get bored when you talk incessantly about each new hair. Most people will never experience the complete change of their body from one check able box to the other. Imagine the body you have had for life suddenly takes off and does things it has never done. Even though my body isn't the one of my dreams and fantasies, it's the one I have and I make do with it. Sure, it needs some work, but I've always had control over it. Now I wait with baited breath for something new to happen when I least expect it. Yeah, it's exciting. But it's also more stressful than I have ever expressed. My body is physically changing and I have no idea what that is going to look like. Eventually my voice will begin to crack and people will really believe I'm 12. (I really want orange chicken) I have set out on a journey where I am not only responsible for taking care of myself, I feel like I am also responsible for readying those around me and taking care of their needs during this process. It's extremely draining.

The orange chicken is phenomenal.

When did fast food medium drinks get ginormous? Do we as Americans REALLY need an extra however many ounces of coke? Most mediums don't fit in cup holders anymore! And a large? Forget it. If I wanted a bucket of soda I'd bring my own beach pail. And it's not even like you're getting more bang for your buck. Prices for fountain soda is ridiculous, considering it costs like 3 cents to produce. Alas, they are still cheaper than bottles.

I was reading S. Bear Bergman's book Butch is a noun in the Boston Public Library this afternoon and I had to pee yet was so engrossed I couldn't put the damn book down. And then I came across a chapter titled Tranny Bladder in which the author talks about how people who are trans, queer, between genders, etc. develop the ability to never have to pee in public places by becoming very good at holding it and/or not drinking any fluids. A few minutes later as I was running down two flights of stairs towards the men's room, I silently chanted in my mind, "I do not have tranny bladder! I DO NOT HAVE TRANNY BLADDER!!!!"

I highly recommend this book even though I only read the first 80 pages (I had to get to the T, G!) I gave the chapter on gender neutral pronouns a shot despite my personal animosity towards them. I'm glad I did. Hir chapter outlines when it is appropriate to use such pronouns (genderqueer, etc.) but ze also brought up a good point that they can be used as a safe alternate if one is unsure of the gender of a person. However, if I met an androgynous person, I wouldn't be like "Hello!" and then ask a friend, "Do you think ze is thirsty? We should get some lemonade for hir!" My problem isn't that I think these pronouns are stupid; they have their place. My problem, which I learned today, is that they don't apply to me. I'm a transman, yes, but I'm not gender neutral. I identify as a male, even if my physical being doesn't have those characteristics.

This bit of self-realization also explains why I used to think genderqueer was stupid - especially a few years ago when I was at the height of discovering who I was. "Genderqueer" was a label I rejected even though I admired the GQ bois for being out, proud, and themselves.

Mini update

Two weeks of T

Something worth noting:

Since I was 14 I have been a smoker. I enjoyed smoking, and I did it well.

Until April 25th, 2007.

That's right, folks. This kid is no longer a smoker. Nope, not even an occassional drag. Done forever!

I refused to start T while being a smoker because I have heard it's really REALLY bad for you. So one day I just stopped.

Yay me!

Shot numero dos

I got my second T shot yesterday. I drew up the syringe myself for the first time, and will hopefully be injecting myself soon. My dose this time was twice that of the first one (100 up from 50) and before I know it I'll be on the full 200. Woo hoo!

The acne on my forehead is going nuts. That's the last time I skip a day of oxy bodywash!

The side of my face is beginning to look more angular. I thought I was hallucinating (or being a wishful thinker) but this has been confirmed. Yay face!

If I look in the mirror long enough, with the right light, and at the correct angle, I can begin to see really really small, and really really light hairs. This, I believe, really IS wishful thinking ;)

I've noticed a shorter temper and I become snippy a lot quicker than before - BUT

Going on week 3 of T I am much more confident and secure in who I am and who I am becoming.

Looking back on 6/29/07

I'm a bad blogger.

I remember when the thought of testosterone was futuristic for me, almost like a christmas that never seemed to come soon enough. I always said things like, "When I start the T, I'll do this...when I start the T, I'll do that..."

Well, my friends. That time is upon us, and I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job at documenting it.

On June 29th, 2007 at approximately 4:30pm I received my first dose of testosterone, injected into the upper part of my ass. I started with 50 (a "normal" dose is 200) and will continue getting shots every two weeks until I decide I want to inject myself.

I had to sign paperwork stating that I did not want to bank my ovaries and that I knew what the longterm/permanent effects of testosterone were. I do believe I was even shaking a little as the nurse drew up the needle. What was the first thing I said after the injection? (This will be good trivia some day) : "That didn't hurt as much as I thought it would!"

The first thing I noticed after the injection came a few days later when my voice was really dry. It felt like the nicotine craving pang coupled with wanting lots of water. I recorded my voice on the 4th day and again on the 8th day. It is so incredible crazy that in just a week you can hear my voice on the verge of beginning to deepen. It's very strange to explain, hence why I've begun recording. I just made a recording for day 13. It is very similar to that of day 8, and it sounds like I have a slowly progressing cold ;P Other than that, I feel stronger and my arms are getting bigger. I've been doing some sort of work out regimen every day, whether it is at work or at home.

(The next section is rated M for mature)

Another side effect of the testosterone that I must mention is the enlongation of the clitoris. Sometime during the first week i noticed my little guy down there starting to swell and grow a little. It has recently calmed down and will probably stay the size it is until the next shot. (Which, I might add, is tomorrow. ;) )

I've been doing a lot of research, mainly on a myspace group in which I found a bunch of guys who are around the same age and transitioning at the same time. Because I don't have any ftm friends, it is huge for me to be able to post questions or even just read what others have experienced so I better know what to expect.

Oh! I lied. The first thing I noticed was the acne. My skin is more oily and i now use Oxy body wash everyday. I have a nice patch on my forehead, my chin, and I think I'm beginning to break out on my back. This was actually really exciting because I noticed it very early on and it proved to me that the T was working. Wa hoo!

I'm going to make an effort to update more frequently so I don't blow past anything that might have been important at the time but forgotten b y the time I write.

6/22/07 It Begins

Yesterday I had my first doctors appointment in regards to starting hormone therapy. Of course I was nervous and ended up in Boston two hours early. Wandering Newbury Street, I took up a texting conversation with my good friend Elisa and browsed the classical section in Newbury Comics. I went to Fenway around 3:05pm, and as my appointment was not until 3:40, I figured half an hour wasn't too early. It wasn't.
My palms were sweaty as I checked in and my heart was beginning to race. And that was before I received the news that they had sent me to the wrong place. Come to find out, the doctor does his medical appointment in the South End. Slightly panicking, I ask the receptionist how to get to this mysterious doctors office. She looks at me strangely for a moment before saying, "No. We will give you a voucher for a cab and the cab will take you right there." Blankly nodding, I wait for the voucher, thank them, and head out into the cab. I try to ignore the fact that I have never, in all my wise 24 years, been in a cab alone. I hand the voucher to the driver and away we go... until he asks where I'm go and I realize that they never gave me an address. He pulls over, we consult my sheet and, finding nothing, he drives around the block and BACK to Fenway so I can run in and get a street name.
Finally back in the cab I hand him the paper with the address on it, it registers, and away we go! He drops me off at the South End Associates building and I thank him and get out. In the lobby, I falter and tell the information guy where I'm going because I was so nervous. Normally I would have just consulted the directory and gone up. Up on the third floor and down a long, empty corridor later, I find the office. The receptionist apologizes that I was sent to the wrong place and tells me to take a seat. In the waiting area, I shift around in the leather chair, absently flipping through the New Yorker but not reading a word. Once I realize this, I put the magazine down.
Once with the doctor my nerves begin to melt away. He is very down to earth and obviously knows exactly what he's doing. He explains that this first meeting will be to take some blood, get a general medical background and the next time....the first testosterone shot!
Not expecting that it would be that soon, yet with every fiber of my being wishing that it was that day already, I could feel my insides smiling, as weird as that sounds.
We made an appointment for the following friday and I went to get my blood drawn. After getting nothing from my right arm and finally getting the blood to flow in the left, I was on my way once more. I got directions to the T station from the receptionist (remember, I took the cab and had no idea where I was.)
I took the side stairs like she said through the old building and went out a door that looked oddly familiar. You know that feeling, the one where you swear you've been somewhere before but it's not very logical? Turning right towards the T station, I actually laughed out loud because in front of me, sharing the same building as South End Associates, was none other than Club Cafe! my feeling of having been here before made sense, and I scampered to catch the Orange line. As a was walking I almost cried, knowing that one week from that exact moment I would have gotten my first testosterone shot.
I began the coming out process a little more than a year ago going by Sean and being male as an Orientation Leader. The next big step came in January when I went to the courthouse in Worcester to change my name. This happened around the same time I got a job working at UPS as Sean and being male. The name change went through in February and I've been changing all the paperwork sense then. My state ID has my new legal name, as well as my bank, debit card, one of my federal loans, health insurance, and of course my UPS ID.
I've gone through a lot with my family. My mother has come around, after leaving threatening messages on my cell phone in July when I left her a note saying I was trans, to talking openly about me being a he and going on the hormones. I'm still not convinced she knows exactly that once on the hormones I will look, act, speak, and be male. But she has come this far and I know that she understands as much as she can. My grandfather and his girlfriend are both really supportive. His girlfriend, Pat, gave me a Sean mug for my birthday.
I'm hoping the hormones will help me gain some confidence and allow me to be the man I am.