I've been on T for 3 months and my body hair is EXPLODING. Not literally, that might hurt. Before the T I wasn't hairy at all so it's easier to notice. My leg hair is completely filling in and growing up over my knee up to my thighs and beyond. I did my spot yesterday and for the first time when I ripped my bandaid off hair came with it. Little hairs are also starting to appear on my back, stomach, chest, and under my chin. I was so afraid that I wouldn't grow any hair, now it's apparent that I am going to be one hairy bastard.
I'm working on getting a soundboard on here to document my voice change.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
11 weeks
I don't like waiting this long between posts because I never know what to begin with.
I'll start with the great testosterone debacle of 2007.
In my last entry I told the tale of my first self injection. That same day I dropped off my prescription for syringes and testosterone at CVS. They told me it had to be approved by the insurance company and to do this the doctor would have to call them. The Pharmacists said they would take care of it. So I went home and waited.
And waited. I get a call around a week later saying my prescription was ready. I beeline it down to CVS only to discover the testosterone is still awaiting approval, but the syringes are ready to go. I left empty handed because, really, what good are needles without the T? I tried again a few days later. Nothing. Frustrated, I call the nurse at my doctor's office, leave her a message explaining the situation. In the meantime I begin to panic because my shot is due at the end of the week and still no T. I make an appointment with the receptionist just in case. Later that afternoon I get a voice mail from the nurse telling me that the insurance company was having a problem with their computers and it should be fixed by the end of the day and someone from CVS will call me. Phew. I cancel my appointment. This is Wednesday, my shot is due sometime Thursday/Friday.
By Monday I have finally had it and I call the nurse back, leaving another voice mail asking if I should make an appointment because I am now late. Tuesday I get a voice mail back saying that she called the insurance company, the CVS I used, and the prescription was promised for that afternoon. HOORAY!!!!!
Later that night I picked up the prescription (I had already grabbed the syringes during a previous visit because I know CVS only holds them for 2 weeks.)
So now 5 days late and super excited to have the vial in my hands, I began the task of self-injection. During administration there is a little pain (needle + skin (muscle) = :O ) but nothing compared to the pain in my leg the next day ( or when the cat jumped on it.)
Today marks the 11th week I've been on T. I've been told that a lot of guys get frustrated waiting for changes to happen. It's not that I' m not in a hurry, I am just realistic about the whole thing. I let myself get excited about little things like chin hair and try to sit back and enjoy the journey.
11 weeks
- I believe menstruation has ceased for good. Hooray!
- Noticing changes in body shape, especially in the face (jaw line) and shoulders (broader)
- Arms/legs more muscular
- Signs of hair growth beginning on chest
- Increase in facial hair. Above lip growing in nicely and reappears a few days after shaving. Chin hair starting to come in as well as hair along the sides of face.
- Noticing leg/arm hair growing in
- Mood changes noticed: Less emotional, more easily aggravated. Need more sleep than before or become a miserable demon ;P
- Loss of weight.
- Acne, and lots of it.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
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2 Month update
I recently passed my testosterone two monthiversary. Last Thursday I went into Boston for my shot before work because on Friday I had plans to go to the Cape with my dear old mother. I told the nurse I wanted to learn how to self inject and after I drew up the dose I did just that. I must say I was extremely nervous because I had never plunged a needle into my body before that. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. She said everything was perfect and asked if I wanted to come back in two weeks and do it for her one more time or if I just wanted to do it myself. That's right, I now have a perscription for testosterone and cooresponding needles waiting for me at CVS. She also made me a little bag with bandaids, gauze pads, and alcohol wipes so I'd be ready to go.
Friday morning bright and early my mother, whom we will refer to as Janet because it's much funnier, showed up for our weekend on the cape. I'm learning to deal with her a little better - sometimes I just need to let her talk and grunt a yes or no if she's looking for it. I'm not sure what she thinks testosterone is going to do to me, but she's voiced her opinion that she doesn't like it and is skeptical of my doctor. Most of this is because she doesn't know my doctor and all of this is really out of her comfort zone. She thinks my armpit hair is grow and told me I was flaunting it. ( I was in the hotel room wearing my binder and a beater. Sometimes you gotta raise your arms up!) She asked if hair was going to grow and if I was going to have to shave, in which she ended up feeling the stubble above my lip and said it was gross.
She asked me why I would want facial hair, and then she kind of answered her own question by saying, "Well I guess with this you can't pick and choose." So I'm not sure if she thinks I just want to look like a boy because as many times as we've been over this there seems to be some sort of a disconnect between what she thinks and what's really happening. I'll be interested to see what happens when my voice drops and the hair really starts coming in. She is getting better at not outting me in public - she refered to me as her son in front of a stranger. We joke around now about Sarah being my sister, so if she slips and calls me that I simply say, we didn't bring my sister along.
On a separate yet related note, I need to start looking for a new job. I applied to be a supervisor where I work however they are so slow that at this rate I'll be a Sup in 2013. I'm nervous because Sean has one reference and I know I need more than that. Sarah has plenty, but my sister is currently and forever unemployed.
I'll update again soon with pics, my browser is not allowing me to post at this moment.
Friday morning bright and early my mother, whom we will refer to as Janet because it's much funnier, showed up for our weekend on the cape. I'm learning to deal with her a little better - sometimes I just need to let her talk and grunt a yes or no if she's looking for it. I'm not sure what she thinks testosterone is going to do to me, but she's voiced her opinion that she doesn't like it and is skeptical of my doctor. Most of this is because she doesn't know my doctor and all of this is really out of her comfort zone. She thinks my armpit hair is grow and told me I was flaunting it. ( I was in the hotel room wearing my binder and a beater. Sometimes you gotta raise your arms up!) She asked if hair was going to grow and if I was going to have to shave, in which she ended up feeling the stubble above my lip and said it was gross.
She asked me why I would want facial hair, and then she kind of answered her own question by saying, "Well I guess with this you can't pick and choose." So I'm not sure if she thinks I just want to look like a boy because as many times as we've been over this there seems to be some sort of a disconnect between what she thinks and what's really happening. I'll be interested to see what happens when my voice drops and the hair really starts coming in. She is getting better at not outting me in public - she refered to me as her son in front of a stranger. We joke around now about Sarah being my sister, so if she slips and calls me that I simply say, we didn't bring my sister along.
On a separate yet related note, I need to start looking for a new job. I applied to be a supervisor where I work however they are so slow that at this rate I'll be a Sup in 2013. I'm nervous because Sean has one reference and I know I need more than that. Sarah has plenty, but my sister is currently and forever unemployed.
I'll update again soon with pics, my browser is not allowing me to post at this moment.
Monday, August 13, 2007
8-13-07
Well hello there!
Due to a recent computer crash, I was unable to update for the past two weeks. No computers were hurt in this process, she just took a long nap.
I've been on testosterone for 6 weeks and just got my first shot of the full 200 ml dose on Friday. I feel like I have been passing easier lately. I first noticed this on Friday when I was visiting my mother. We ran into two people she knew at two separate times (they didn't know me) and they both said, "Oh! This must be your son!" People never used to be as confident in pinpointing my gender. The funny part about all this is that my mother still uses female pronouns and refers to her "daughter." I'm convinced people just assume I have a sister.
I've had some prominent hair growth above my lip. I shaved it last night and I can already see them poking through again. I didn't think I had any hair on my chin until one was ripped out for me to prove it. I am now a believer!
I'm off to CVS to pick up my face creme perscription so hopefully when I take my 2 month pics my face won't be so damn red!
Monday, July 30, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
7/28/07
After my therapist appointment yesterday I had 4 and a half hours to kill before my appointment with Kevin for the T, so I bought a notebook and chilled in the Pru food court. Below is the contents of said notebook:
10:32 am 7/27/07
I had a long rant about slow walkers getting off the train, but the moment has passed and it sounds boring. That was a good story.
I just got off the phone with a woman from the commonwealth cares program from MassHealth. I called to pick a plan, one recommended to me (well, two were recommended out of 4 plans by someone who works at fenway and I blindly chose 1) and got ma'am ed. Obviously it bothered me if I'm writing it down. (Sidetracked: I'm in the Pru food court and HOLY SHIT does the Chinese food smell amazing.) It sucks that my gender is listed as female. Changing a name only tips off so many people. I wonder if it will change when my voice drops? Speaking of medical coverage (I mean, who isn't? It's really a crowd pleaser alongside chips and dip) I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday because my ankle was swollen. I was a little shocked (okay, a lot) that every question on a normal "new person" sign-in sheet was there - except one. Nowhere on the paper were two letters, one of which I was supposed to circle.
Am I so used to living in a binary society of male and female that when faced with NOT identifying myself as either/or I'm unnerved? Logically I would think I would be overjoyed by this prospect, yet the 1984/Brave New World mentality of belonging to a predestined caste (m or f) leaves me feeling alone and exposed when I deviate from the norm.
And if the medical problem was not my ankle but was a notoriously female part of my anatomy, or a problem in which said anatomy may be exposed, would I even have gone in the first place?
How many FTMs have faced, and will continue to face death at the hands of breast cancer, ovarian cancer and other diseases because they are too uncomfortable with living between the m and f to seek treatment?
I try not to talk about the slight almost non-existent growth of my facial/body hair because it's boring. I remember reading in Just Add Hormones a section where he states friends get bored when you talk incessantly about each new hair. Most people will never experience the complete change of their body from one check able box to the other. Imagine the body you have had for life suddenly takes off and does things it has never done. Even though my body isn't the one of my dreams and fantasies, it's the one I have and I make do with it. Sure, it needs some work, but I've always had control over it. Now I wait with baited breath for something new to happen when I least expect it. Yeah, it's exciting. But it's also more stressful than I have ever expressed. My body is physically changing and I have no idea what that is going to look like. Eventually my voice will begin to crack and people will really believe I'm 12. (I really want orange chicken) I have set out on a journey where I am not only responsible for taking care of myself, I feel like I am also responsible for readying those around me and taking care of their needs during this process. It's extremely draining.
The orange chicken is phenomenal.
When did fast food medium drinks get ginormous? Do we as Americans REALLY need an extra however many ounces of coke? Most mediums don't fit in cup holders anymore! And a large? Forget it. If I wanted a bucket of soda I'd bring my own beach pail. And it's not even like you're getting more bang for your buck. Prices for fountain soda is ridiculous, considering it costs like 3 cents to produce. Alas, they are still cheaper than bottles.
I was reading S. Bear Bergman's book Butch is a noun in the Boston Public Library this afternoon and I had to pee yet was so engrossed I couldn't put the damn book down. And then I came across a chapter titled Tranny Bladder in which the author talks about how people who are trans, queer, between genders, etc. develop the ability to never have to pee in public places by becoming very good at holding it and/or not drinking any fluids. A few minutes later as I was running down two flights of stairs towards the men's room, I silently chanted in my mind, "I do not have tranny bladder! I DO NOT HAVE TRANNY BLADDER!!!!"
I highly recommend this book even though I only read the first 80 pages (I had to get to the T, G!) I gave the chapter on gender neutral pronouns a shot despite my personal animosity towards them. I'm glad I did. Hir chapter outlines when it is appropriate to use such pronouns (genderqueer, etc.) but ze also brought up a good point that they can be used as a safe alternate if one is unsure of the gender of a person. However, if I met an androgynous person, I wouldn't be like "Hello!" and then ask a friend, "Do you think ze is thirsty? We should get some lemonade for hir!" My problem isn't that I think these pronouns are stupid; they have their place. My problem, which I learned today, is that they don't apply to me. I'm a transman, yes, but I'm not gender neutral. I identify as a male, even if my physical being doesn't have those characteristics.
This bit of self-realization also explains why I used to think genderqueer was stupid - especially a few years ago when I was at the height of discovering who I was. "Genderqueer" was a label I rejected even though I admired the GQ bois for being out, proud, and themselves.
10:32 am 7/27/07
I had a long rant about slow walkers getting off the train, but the moment has passed and it sounds boring. That was a good story.
I just got off the phone with a woman from the commonwealth cares program from MassHealth. I called to pick a plan, one recommended to me (well, two were recommended out of 4 plans by someone who works at fenway and I blindly chose 1) and got ma'am ed. Obviously it bothered me if I'm writing it down. (Sidetracked: I'm in the Pru food court and HOLY SHIT does the Chinese food smell amazing.) It sucks that my gender is listed as female. Changing a name only tips off so many people. I wonder if it will change when my voice drops? Speaking of medical coverage (I mean, who isn't? It's really a crowd pleaser alongside chips and dip) I went to the walk-in clinic on Monday because my ankle was swollen. I was a little shocked (okay, a lot) that every question on a normal "new person" sign-in sheet was there - except one. Nowhere on the paper were two letters, one of which I was supposed to circle.
Am I so used to living in a binary society of male and female that when faced with NOT identifying myself as either/or I'm unnerved? Logically I would think I would be overjoyed by this prospect, yet the 1984/Brave New World mentality of belonging to a predestined caste (m or f) leaves me feeling alone and exposed when I deviate from the norm.
And if the medical problem was not my ankle but was a notoriously female part of my anatomy, or a problem in which said anatomy may be exposed, would I even have gone in the first place?
How many FTMs have faced, and will continue to face death at the hands of breast cancer, ovarian cancer and other diseases because they are too uncomfortable with living between the m and f to seek treatment?
I try not to talk about the slight almost non-existent growth of my facial/body hair because it's boring. I remember reading in Just Add Hormones a section where he states friends get bored when you talk incessantly about each new hair. Most people will never experience the complete change of their body from one check able box to the other. Imagine the body you have had for life suddenly takes off and does things it has never done. Even though my body isn't the one of my dreams and fantasies, it's the one I have and I make do with it. Sure, it needs some work, but I've always had control over it. Now I wait with baited breath for something new to happen when I least expect it. Yeah, it's exciting. But it's also more stressful than I have ever expressed. My body is physically changing and I have no idea what that is going to look like. Eventually my voice will begin to crack and people will really believe I'm 12. (I really want orange chicken) I have set out on a journey where I am not only responsible for taking care of myself, I feel like I am also responsible for readying those around me and taking care of their needs during this process. It's extremely draining.
The orange chicken is phenomenal.
When did fast food medium drinks get ginormous? Do we as Americans REALLY need an extra however many ounces of coke? Most mediums don't fit in cup holders anymore! And a large? Forget it. If I wanted a bucket of soda I'd bring my own beach pail. And it's not even like you're getting more bang for your buck. Prices for fountain soda is ridiculous, considering it costs like 3 cents to produce. Alas, they are still cheaper than bottles.
I was reading S. Bear Bergman's book Butch is a noun in the Boston Public Library this afternoon and I had to pee yet was so engrossed I couldn't put the damn book down. And then I came across a chapter titled Tranny Bladder in which the author talks about how people who are trans, queer, between genders, etc. develop the ability to never have to pee in public places by becoming very good at holding it and/or not drinking any fluids. A few minutes later as I was running down two flights of stairs towards the men's room, I silently chanted in my mind, "I do not have tranny bladder! I DO NOT HAVE TRANNY BLADDER!!!!"
I highly recommend this book even though I only read the first 80 pages (I had to get to the T, G!) I gave the chapter on gender neutral pronouns a shot despite my personal animosity towards them. I'm glad I did. Hir chapter outlines when it is appropriate to use such pronouns (genderqueer, etc.) but ze also brought up a good point that they can be used as a safe alternate if one is unsure of the gender of a person. However, if I met an androgynous person, I wouldn't be like "Hello!" and then ask a friend, "Do you think ze is thirsty? We should get some lemonade for hir!" My problem isn't that I think these pronouns are stupid; they have their place. My problem, which I learned today, is that they don't apply to me. I'm a transman, yes, but I'm not gender neutral. I identify as a male, even if my physical being doesn't have those characteristics.
This bit of self-realization also explains why I used to think genderqueer was stupid - especially a few years ago when I was at the height of discovering who I was. "Genderqueer" was a label I rejected even though I admired the GQ bois for being out, proud, and themselves.
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