I woke up at 9:30 this morning. The plan was to go to the library, pick up my prescriptions at CVS, and come home. While watching The Rachel Ray Show and eating last night's leftover Italian sub, I decided I still didn't feel well enough to go out. Unfortunately I made this decision after taking adderell. At least I was able to finish a 658 page novel.
I spent the day cleaning up around the apartment which tends to go to shit after chemo. I'm also in the process of going through old mix CDs from back in the day. I keep the tracks I want and toss the disc. Unless the mix is quality, then the CD goes back with all it's other CD friends.
I was singing along to Oasis and I realized why all emo bands are so whiny. They can't help it; it's the voice! You figure most emo bands get their big break when they are still in high school, so their voices aren't 100% mature. As I write this I realize I am asking you to stretch your minds to feel bad for the emo kids... in that case, fuck it. Emo bands whine. End of story. ;)
I love music. Let me rephrase. I love GOOD music. I love everything about it. The vibrations good bass makes through the floor, guitar riffs, good lyrics. I say GOOD because I'm not a fan of music done badly. It does me and society (mainly, our ears) a disservice. As I listen to the songs on these various CDs (some of which go back to my high school days) the music transforms me to the place I was when this cd was created. Some of those times aren't nice times, but they were part of my life so I don't mind visiting. Like this track, for instance. You Spin Me Right Round by Dope. A classic cover. Dope played the 1998 Locobazooka concert in Worcester, MA. My friends and I were sophomores in high school and my dad and his girlfriend took us to the show. Of course we parted ways right away and hooked up with other kids from school. I then got really high on what we found out later was laced weed and wandered around the grounds for hours. Luckily I had really good friends. I also saw a girl with both her nipples pierced mud wrestling. I've been fascinated by nipple piercings since then. See what memories one song can bring? ;)
Until I have something better to say!
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Adventures in Chemotherapy
I found out today that beth israel has wireless internet. Score one for me! I surfed the internet for hours before finally popping in a movie. I checked Art School Confidential out of the library having no idea what it was about. I enjoyed it thoroughly. It's about a boy who wants to be a great artist so he goes to Strathmore Art School during the time there is a strangler afoot. He struggles with finding his own artistic voice while trying to get the girl. A surprising twist at the climax of this movie puts it at the top of my list. I highly recommend it.
6 hours of sitting with an IV attached is MUCH better with access to the world wide web. I also consumed at least 5 rice krispie treats, two bags of chips, and a sandwich. Having a laptop in front of my face also makes it easier to ignore my mother. Her stories are juvenile, immature, and make me feel like she's in high school. She's irresponsible and leads a dangerous lifestyle with her recreational drug usage and drunk driving escapades. The older I get the less mental neurons I can lend to her. The best I can do is keep myself sane in her presence and hope that when something happens to her I will be able to find the money to bury her. As cruel as that sounds, it's something that I have to think about for the future. She doesn't have a will, life insurance, a savings account, or anything set away. She constantly gets in debt and borrows from her retirement fund. With a full and part time job, I don't really know how this is possble. But it happens. Often.
Enough of that. Although that did seem to flow very freely with her being right in front of me talking. Speaking of flowing freely (not peeing) last week I started to write my first piece in awhile. I was astounded at how quickly an hour went by and how much I had written. A full 2 hours passed when I finally packed up and went home. I've begun to put it into microsoft word. I can't decide if I want it in essay form or if I'm going creative non-fiction on it's ass. The best part is that it's a story about the four month time span I worked at Friendly's when I was 16. Yeah I know, crazy shit.
Well, time to take out the IV! Hooray! Happy April :)
6 hours of sitting with an IV attached is MUCH better with access to the world wide web. I also consumed at least 5 rice krispie treats, two bags of chips, and a sandwich. Having a laptop in front of my face also makes it easier to ignore my mother. Her stories are juvenile, immature, and make me feel like she's in high school. She's irresponsible and leads a dangerous lifestyle with her recreational drug usage and drunk driving escapades. The older I get the less mental neurons I can lend to her. The best I can do is keep myself sane in her presence and hope that when something happens to her I will be able to find the money to bury her. As cruel as that sounds, it's something that I have to think about for the future. She doesn't have a will, life insurance, a savings account, or anything set away. She constantly gets in debt and borrows from her retirement fund. With a full and part time job, I don't really know how this is possble. But it happens. Often.
Enough of that. Although that did seem to flow very freely with her being right in front of me talking. Speaking of flowing freely (not peeing) last week I started to write my first piece in awhile. I was astounded at how quickly an hour went by and how much I had written. A full 2 hours passed when I finally packed up and went home. I've begun to put it into microsoft word. I can't decide if I want it in essay form or if I'm going creative non-fiction on it's ass. The best part is that it's a story about the four month time span I worked at Friendly's when I was 16. Yeah I know, crazy shit.
Well, time to take out the IV! Hooray! Happy April :)
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Good news
My face is clearing up! I've noticed a conciderable difference from the last picture I posted 8 days ago. I also got a haircut which makes me look less greasy in general. I had a little bit of a cold this week so I've had to force myself to lay low. I feel much better today than yesterday, so that's a plus. Next tuesday I have chemo, which is always a good time. Yesterday I stumbled across this frightening article. (I say frightening because it brings up so many issues, both medically and emotionally, that are hard for anyone to wrap their minds around.) I wasn't going to comment on it, but I feel like I'm posting it so I should.
Pregnant Transman
So what do I think?
It's difficult for me because I want to say good for him. Way to be secure enough with who you are enough to defy every gender boundry known. However, I can't do that. Knowing what I know about the effects of testosterone on a female's reproductive system, I am astounded that his eggs were able to be inseminated. I was reading that there has been countless studies about the effect of testosterone on a fetus and the findings aren't good. More likely than not the child will be intersexed, first of all, among other abnormalities. Psychologically and physically I can't imagine being on testosterone for 8 years, going off it, and having the hormonal influx of a pregnant woman. This situation brings up so many ethical questions as well. Okay, so now we've proven that a "man" can give birth. But should we do it? As someone said in a group I'm in, will the child have to find out in school that humans aren't like seahorses and it's the female of the species that usually give birth? Does his name go on the birth certificate as the mother, and if so, where does his wive's name go? Here we are, questioning the gender markers of simple words such as mother and father. Because technically this man is the mother, because the mother gives birth in our society and therefore has maternal rights.
I'm giving myself a headache ;P
Okay, so I'm going to play my own devil's advocate. I mentioned before that the years of testosterone probably messed up his reproductive system enough to cause birth defects. In a heterosexual "normal" birth, women encounter possibilities for birth defects all the time, whether she's a smoker, it runs in the family, they found the gene for Downs Syndrome, etc. So am I advocating that these women shouldn't give birth? No. These women also don't identify as men, which is what I struggle with.
I identify as a transman. What does that mean? I was born with a female body and I am taking testosterone to correct my hormones. My brain is wired as male. I present myself as male and live my life as such. Men are not wired to have babies, therefore I consider myself not wired to have babies. I did not harvest any of my eggs before beginning hormone treatment and I don't regret that.
This entire issue is much bigger than "Society says women have babies and men don't," because it's not just society: It's science. It's nature. I'm all for being liberal and to each his own, but I have a hard time wrapping my mind around something that literally flips everything on it's head. I think a lot of transpeople are afraid that this situation will do bad things for the community, and people will think "LOOK! They can procreate now! Now they can make more of themselves and TAKE OVER!!" I'm all for pushing the envelope, but when is it too far? I'd love any opinions on this matter because obviously it's taking up a lot of my brain.
And to Thomas Beatie, Congratulations on your baby. I hope everything works out and she is happy and healthy. I'm sure you will make a great parent.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Acne
This is the state of my face from the prednisone. I actually didn't think it was this bad until I took the picture. I have a prescription cream, however like most creams the fine print told me it may not start working for 6 weeks. I can handle the body acne, but the face? C'mon! Damn you, steriods!
Friday, March 14, 2008
I'm such a bad blog updater
Hello and welcome back to As the Tranny Turns! When we last left Sean, he was pumped up on prednisone and wallowing in self pity and loneliness. His mother, the Janet, convinced of his impending death, made herself a nuisance. And now to our show!
The Testosterone Files
I think I mentioned before that my doctor had me discontinue use of testosterone while I was in the hospital. This was done not because the T has anything to do with me being sick, but because testosterone and prednisone are similar structured drugs and he wanted to make sure that we weren't flooding my system. I was off testosterone for about a month and then was able to continue hormone therapy. It's been about a month since continuing and I feel fine. My voice is still a little squeaky from the off/on action.
Facial hair is pouring in. The prednisone has given me HORRIBLE acne which makes me petrified to shave. I'm not quite a monkey yet, but I'm getting there.
Last weekend I went to Worcester to volunteer at the St. Patricks Day Parade with my mother. She's on the committee and I used to help out every year. Then I began my transition, so last year I didn't go. I was nervous because my mother didn't really tell anyone. And she still talks about her "daughter." However, I pass well enough that everyone, whether they had been told her not, saw me and treated me as male. I was also working away from my mother all day which makes it 100% easier. It's her slips and pronouns that tip people off. I had such a good day being myself and helping to run the awards (anyone who has programmed with me in the past, thing battle of the bands judging on crack with old people). Afterwards I told my mom how nice it was when people didn't know and just got to know me for me. She was like, well they knew, and I was like, trust me, if they knew they forgot because they did not know I used to be a girl. I think it's hard for her to imagine someone not knowing because she looks at me and sees a girl. She hates the facial hair - almost as much as she hates my body hair. Last summer she told me she hated hair "even on real men." Thanks mom ;P
The Medical Front
March 4th I had my first round of cyclophosphamide. My mother insisted on taking me. We got lost on the way and were 20 minutes late, but luckily we were going to be there for 6 hours so it didn't really matter. Basically I sit for 6 hours and get a low dose of chemotherapy to treat the lupus. I also get flushed with a LOT of saline fluid and receive a medication that shields the kidney from damage from the chemo. This medication has to be given 4 hours apart, which is why I am there for so long. The day wasn't as long as I had anticipated, although I had taken my adderall and did puzzles all day. They have volunteers that used to be patients there and they come by with drinks, snacks, and lunch. My mother makes a big deal about me getting chemo but i really don't see it as a big deal. I don't even get any side effects from it, except extreme fatigue the next day. My rheumotologist came up so I could sign the consent form and he seems to think that I won't even need the full 6 months of treatment. My levels are looking good and the kidney function has gone up. My next chemo is April 1st, which my mother is attending, After that I told her that I'm doing it by myself. Honestly I don't mind people coming with me. Just not here. She puts additional stress on me and I need to learn to say no to her. I'm not twelve anymore and I don't think she understands that. I get that I'm her kid and that this is a scary time for her, but if her being crazy Janet is impacting my recovery, she's not helping. I was lucky enough to get all three of my next doctor appointments on the same day, which I mentioned to her in passing. I got a text from her saying that she could go with me if I wanted. I told her that, No, I'm good. Haven't heard from her since ;P I'm trying to let her be as involved as I can without driving me crazy.
Other happenings
I'm become best friends with the Pollard Memorial Library of Lowell. I went yesterday and read the entire recent issue of Time. I've discovered audio books. When I was in Boston last week I listened to The Pearl by John Steinbeck. By the end of the day just by listening to my ipod I had read an entire book. Next I'm going to see how Stephen King's The Colorado Kid translates into audio. I've been reading a lot of different books including poetry. I've also been writing in my paper and pen journal, which I take with me everywhere. It has it's own spot in my backpack. I write anything and everything.
I'm addicted to Subway. There is a Subway right near the library. They have daily sandwich specials, a value meal with chips and a drink for $3.99. I have the sandwiches of the day memorized. I usually hang out in Subway for an hour when I go, eating and writing, writing and eating. Mostly writing because the 6 inch sub doesn't last long.
I found lately that I have to be careful with how much energy I'm using. Usually when I get back from the library I'm exhausted. This Wednesday I forced myself to stay in the house and do nothing. I was miserable all day because I was bored. And when I'm bored I tend to eat everything in the house from the prednisone. I think I need to work out some sort of a schedule for myself. I'm thinking of working in some concrete writing time that will force me to write, or at least sketch out something to write.
Until next time, thank you for watching As the Tranny Turns!
The Testosterone Files
I think I mentioned before that my doctor had me discontinue use of testosterone while I was in the hospital. This was done not because the T has anything to do with me being sick, but because testosterone and prednisone are similar structured drugs and he wanted to make sure that we weren't flooding my system. I was off testosterone for about a month and then was able to continue hormone therapy. It's been about a month since continuing and I feel fine. My voice is still a little squeaky from the off/on action.
Facial hair is pouring in. The prednisone has given me HORRIBLE acne which makes me petrified to shave. I'm not quite a monkey yet, but I'm getting there.
Last weekend I went to Worcester to volunteer at the St. Patricks Day Parade with my mother. She's on the committee and I used to help out every year. Then I began my transition, so last year I didn't go. I was nervous because my mother didn't really tell anyone. And she still talks about her "daughter." However, I pass well enough that everyone, whether they had been told her not, saw me and treated me as male. I was also working away from my mother all day which makes it 100% easier. It's her slips and pronouns that tip people off. I had such a good day being myself and helping to run the awards (anyone who has programmed with me in the past, thing battle of the bands judging on crack with old people). Afterwards I told my mom how nice it was when people didn't know and just got to know me for me. She was like, well they knew, and I was like, trust me, if they knew they forgot because they did not know I used to be a girl. I think it's hard for her to imagine someone not knowing because she looks at me and sees a girl. She hates the facial hair - almost as much as she hates my body hair. Last summer she told me she hated hair "even on real men." Thanks mom ;P
The Medical Front
March 4th I had my first round of cyclophosphamide. My mother insisted on taking me. We got lost on the way and were 20 minutes late, but luckily we were going to be there for 6 hours so it didn't really matter. Basically I sit for 6 hours and get a low dose of chemotherapy to treat the lupus. I also get flushed with a LOT of saline fluid and receive a medication that shields the kidney from damage from the chemo. This medication has to be given 4 hours apart, which is why I am there for so long. The day wasn't as long as I had anticipated, although I had taken my adderall and did puzzles all day. They have volunteers that used to be patients there and they come by with drinks, snacks, and lunch. My mother makes a big deal about me getting chemo but i really don't see it as a big deal. I don't even get any side effects from it, except extreme fatigue the next day. My rheumotologist came up so I could sign the consent form and he seems to think that I won't even need the full 6 months of treatment. My levels are looking good and the kidney function has gone up. My next chemo is April 1st, which my mother is attending, After that I told her that I'm doing it by myself. Honestly I don't mind people coming with me. Just not here. She puts additional stress on me and I need to learn to say no to her. I'm not twelve anymore and I don't think she understands that. I get that I'm her kid and that this is a scary time for her, but if her being crazy Janet is impacting my recovery, she's not helping. I was lucky enough to get all three of my next doctor appointments on the same day, which I mentioned to her in passing. I got a text from her saying that she could go with me if I wanted. I told her that, No, I'm good. Haven't heard from her since ;P I'm trying to let her be as involved as I can without driving me crazy.
Other happenings
I'm become best friends with the Pollard Memorial Library of Lowell. I went yesterday and read the entire recent issue of Time. I've discovered audio books. When I was in Boston last week I listened to The Pearl by John Steinbeck. By the end of the day just by listening to my ipod I had read an entire book. Next I'm going to see how Stephen King's The Colorado Kid translates into audio. I've been reading a lot of different books including poetry. I've also been writing in my paper and pen journal, which I take with me everywhere. It has it's own spot in my backpack. I write anything and everything.
I'm addicted to Subway. There is a Subway right near the library. They have daily sandwich specials, a value meal with chips and a drink for $3.99. I have the sandwiches of the day memorized. I usually hang out in Subway for an hour when I go, eating and writing, writing and eating. Mostly writing because the 6 inch sub doesn't last long.
I found lately that I have to be careful with how much energy I'm using. Usually when I get back from the library I'm exhausted. This Wednesday I forced myself to stay in the house and do nothing. I was miserable all day because I was bored. And when I'm bored I tend to eat everything in the house from the prednisone. I think I need to work out some sort of a schedule for myself. I'm thinking of working in some concrete writing time that will force me to write, or at least sketch out something to write.
Until next time, thank you for watching As the Tranny Turns!
Saturday, March 8, 2008
This sounds about right
You paid attention during 51% of high school!
51-67% You are smart enough to be ashamed of still scoring so low; remember that there are books in the world, full of information? Yes, books are our friends.
Do you deserve your high school diploma?
Create a Quiz
Friday, February 29, 2008
Oxycodone and Cyclophosphamide
I started writing again. Nothing impressive, just some character development and a little storyline. Last week I wrote a little bit in McDonalds, which was actually a great place to write. My hand has been cramping up from my bad joints so unfortunately I had to stop. I also started a sort of journal, mostly of doctors appointments and train rides.
My back has been bothering me so everyonce in awhile I pop an oxycodone at night. As I did tonight. The only problem with this is that I become a little loopy yet really clear-headed. And my back stops hurting.
Had an appointment with the kidney doctor yesterday. Lab work shows the damage to my kidneys is being repaired. He told me that the doctors understand that the next 6 months are going to suck for me because of all the medication and I'm going to feel pretty bad most of time. He's hoping after the initial 6 months they can go easier on me, but from what he said I'm going to be on treatment for quite some time.
It's time for my second treatment of cyclophosphamide, which is an IV chemo that is used to treat cancer and autoimmune diseases. My appointment is tuesday at 10 and my mother is coming with me. Yes, Janet is coming to the doctor. That should be a children's book. She really wants to come. The last time I saw her she was convinced I was dying, so I figure it could be good for both of us. First of all, I save money because she's driving in and secondly I don't have to go to the first appointment by myself. I'll be receiving the treatment for 6 hours. But I get a bag lunch. Woo! ;P
Today was a really tired day. I did errands in the morning and by 1pm I took a 2 hour nap. I'm still exhausted and will probably go to bed soon. I'm currently reading 3 books. I should finish one soon.
Thats all for now. I'm sure I'm missing something. Next time, then.
My back has been bothering me so everyonce in awhile I pop an oxycodone at night. As I did tonight. The only problem with this is that I become a little loopy yet really clear-headed. And my back stops hurting.
Had an appointment with the kidney doctor yesterday. Lab work shows the damage to my kidneys is being repaired. He told me that the doctors understand that the next 6 months are going to suck for me because of all the medication and I'm going to feel pretty bad most of time. He's hoping after the initial 6 months they can go easier on me, but from what he said I'm going to be on treatment for quite some time.
It's time for my second treatment of cyclophosphamide, which is an IV chemo that is used to treat cancer and autoimmune diseases. My appointment is tuesday at 10 and my mother is coming with me. Yes, Janet is coming to the doctor. That should be a children's book. She really wants to come. The last time I saw her she was convinced I was dying, so I figure it could be good for both of us. First of all, I save money because she's driving in and secondly I don't have to go to the first appointment by myself. I'll be receiving the treatment for 6 hours. But I get a bag lunch. Woo! ;P
Today was a really tired day. I did errands in the morning and by 1pm I took a 2 hour nap. I'm still exhausted and will probably go to bed soon. I'm currently reading 3 books. I should finish one soon.
Thats all for now. I'm sure I'm missing something. Next time, then.
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